One History to Confuse
by Whose
Summary: What happens when characters from 3 different shows go back in time from the beginning, and have to go back to the present, it's a wild ride, but it's fun.


A time machine mix up causes a crossover with the Dukes of Hazzard – complete with Waylon Jennings as balladeer for this fic - "Full House," etc; Rosco's goof sends everyone way back, and they try to get home while someone tries to make Buchanan Enterprises rule the world

One History To Confuse

Chapter 1 – The Time Machine

"…and so, I just press this button, and it should send this can of Pepsi five seconds into the future."

The experiment worked, much to the amazement of all in Llanview. The science professor smiled at the applause.

"Now, watch what happens…"

Suddenly, a second Pepsi can appeared out of nowhere. "Hey, I thought that was a time machine, not a copier," someone yelled from the audience.

The scientist explained, "I sent that can back in time a second from now."

"That should be 'I will send,' shouldn't it?" someone else asked.

"How should I know? I'm a scientist, not an English teacher. Anyway, the first can is still here, proving there is no paradox caused when I don't choose to send it back in time. An alternate history has been created…" He bumped the can, which fell into the machine, along with a quarter he had placed on the table. He then tripped on the lever, which sent the can back several seconds. "Heh, heh, must be something in nature that causes things to correct themselves when they can."

(Y'all are seeing a mad scientist. He's not insane; he's just mad 'cause he got a parking ticket. But, what he's about to do will cause a lot of confusion.)

The scientist tried to fix the coordinates on something in the past. "I am now going to fix the coordinates on something in the past."

"Get that quarter back!" someone yelled from the audience.

"I'm sorry, I can't fix it on something that small yet, I was going to grab the can of Pepsi," he explained.

"Huh?" The speaker looked up. "Oh, I wasn't talking to you, I was watching the Packers on my cell phone. Come on, we need a sack! Get that quarterback!"

As this happened, a dog was chasing a cat outside the building. The cat ran inside, and up on the console, with the dog following, ramming into it. Suddenly, the machine's radar started going haywire, and over a dozen people appeared.

(See what I mean. Them's the Dukes over there, along with your Hazzard county Commissioner, J.D. Hogg, Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane, deputy Enos Strait, and mechanic Cooter Davenport. On the other side of the room are some people from San Francisco.)

"Possumonagumbush, what happened?" Enos asked.

"No, it wasn't a possum, it was a dog and a cat," Todd explained.

"Hey, I know you," Rosco told him, "you're with that there soap opera my sister Lulu watches."

(Yes, friends, a soap opera. Somehow, that time machine had snatched people from Hazzard, and the family from "Full House." Which made the dad from "Full House" pretty upset.)

Danny Tanner raised his voice. "Now, wait a minute, I will not have my daughters as part of this crossover," he complained. "All kinds of bad things can happen in soaps, people disappearing, dying, having imposters appear…"

D.J. Tanner's annoying, weird, and very dumb best friend, Kimmy Gibbler, spoke. "Come on, Mr. T., it'll be fun. Besides, it's got the word soap in it. You should like it, considering how nuts you are about cleaning."

"Yes, and I'm also very protective of my children."

(The argument continued back and forth for a couple minutes, while second grader Michelle Tanner and her cousins, two-year-olds Nicky and Alex Katsopolis - it was about that season of the show - started talkin' and playin' together.)

"I demand that someone do something about sending us back," Danny said.

"Maybe that man who was just talking can do it," Michelle suggested.

(I'm the balladeer. Who does she think I am, a Fairy Godmother.)

Comedian Joey Gladstone noted it was getting dark outside. "Look out the window. Maybe you girls can wish upon a star," he told Michelle, Stephanie, and the boys.

The girls agreed, whispered back and forth a little with Nicky and Alex, and recited, "Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight." Then, Stephanie turned and said, "we wished for safety and protection for all the kids."

"Wait, you can't tell your wish, or it won't come true," Joey said.

Jesse Katsopolis rolled his eyes. "Come on, Joey, that stuff never works."

"Although if it did," Jesse's wife Becky pointed out, "it would be valid, I guess. I mean, Stephanie said what they both wished, but Michelle never said what her wish was."

At that moment, a Fairy Godmother appeared, waving a magic wand. She sprinkled some magic dust around, and said, "Your wish has been granted. No child under eighteen will be hurt, replaced, or adversely affected in any way, and no child under 13 will witness a death, injury, replacement, or anything else graphic, unless accompanied by a parent or other responsible guardian."

(While they was figurin' that out, Boss Hogg had heard what that scientist had made. And, he had an idea.)

"Rosco," Boss Hogg whispered, "I just had an idea."

(I already said that.)

"See, this here town's in Pennsylvania," Boss Hogg said. "So, we go back to just before General Sherman comes through Georgia in 1864, and volunteer the Dukes for combat. Then, we get proof they marched through Georgia with Sherman, they won't be able to set foot inside the state again! And, I get their farm!"

"Ooooh, I love it, I love it, khee, khee, khee," Rosco said. "How are we gonna do that?"

"I'll show you." Hogg walked up to the scientist. "Excuse me, Sir, I heard you sayin' this would be a good test of your machine's ability to send large groups somewhere. I was wonderin', maybe you could send us all back to, oh, about 1864."

Kimmy perked up. "Hey, that's just down the block from us." The Tanners lived at 1882, and Kimmy right next door.

Stephanie Tanner rolled her eyes. "Kimmy, he means the year. Although I would like to lodge a protest," she said. The eleven-year-old turned to the scientist. "What if they do something and cause the South to win the Civil War? That would be horrible!"

"Easy, Steph," sixteen-year-old D.J. said, "maybe they'll do that and then take over and end slavery."

Boss Hogg walked over to them and spoke half the truth. "Oh, no, you misunderstand, I don't want to do anything to further that horrible institution. Why, we was gonna volunteer to march through Georgia with Sherman, in fact."

"Boss, you want to march through Georgia with Sherman?" Luke Duke said.

"I smell a rat," his cousin Bo Duke said.

"I know, I packed a rat sandwich in my lunch," the scientist said.

The others made faces, then Jesse Duke spoke. "Uh, well, your eatin' habits is…well, let's skip that part. Look, J.D., I don't know what you're tryin' to pull, but I want to go back to my own time, and I'm sure everyone else here does, too."

"1864 would be an interesting test, I was hoping to send someone back in time," the scientist said.

It was Becky's turn to protest. "Wait a minute, these boys need to get to bed pretty soon. We need to get them home, so we can get them their baths and pj's."

Suddenly, P.J. York appeared. "Hi," he said, coming out of the machine. "I'm P.J.."

"Not that kind of pj's, she meant pajamas," Jesse K. complained.

"Where am I?" P.J. asked.

"You mean when are you. You, my friend, were brought forward in time, in a test to determine if people could be brought forward purposely, before we sent anyone back in time. This," the scientist siad, pointing at the machine, "is a time machine."

P.J. looked at it oddly. "It's a little big to be a wristwatch."

Stephanie stepped forward; P.J. looked to be about her age. "Not that kind of time machine. This thing's worthy of Star Trek."

Rosco was fiddling with the dials and switches a little, as Stephanie and P.J. started talking, and Danny kept saying he was worried about what could happen. Suddenly Rosco sneezed, hit a lever, and everyone in the room when way back in time.

Chapter 2 – Starting the Journey Home

(Now, y'all, as everyone started wondering where they were, let me explain what you're lookin' at. Or, if you're just readin' this, what you're readin'. The time machine had sent them back, but there was an invisible field around each of them. In other words, the machine continued to have a lock on them, so they could be pulled forward at any time. They just needed to figure out how to go forward.)

Everyone looked around. There were no buildings, it was almost much all forest, though they were in a clearing. "Where are we?" Starr asked.

"More like when are we," Todd said.

"Let's try that wish thing again," Michelle said to Stephanie.

Stephanie introduced the family to P.J., and explained that, "We wished upon a star for protestion for everyone, so you don't have to feel afraid."

"Oh, I'm not. I feel like I'm standing next to the most beautiful girl in the world," P.J. said looking lovingly at Stephanie. Stephanie smiled broadly.

Meanwhile, Roscoe was trying to do the "wish thing" himself. "Star light, star bright, first, second…uh, third, fourth, fifth star, sixth, seventh, ijit, stop poppin' out so fast so I can wish on one of you!" Roscoe insisted, looking at at the sky.

One member of the Llanview group, meanwhile, was almost done wishing. "…have this wish I wish tonight." Suddenly, they were in a populated region, where it was warmer. "Okay, now we can start talking to the locals."

Jesse looked at his wife, Becky. "How does this thing work, anyway?"

"You know, I think Michelle had a point before; maybe we should try talking to the voice." Starr looked up and said, "Excuse me, Voice?"

(Just call me "Balladder.")

"Balladdeer, how does this work?" several people said at once.

(As y'all can see, that wishing mechanism makes you go forward. But, there's a catch. You can't just go right home. You'll have to go in stages. The machine has a lock, like Star Trek's transporters. It only responds to certain mental commands. The wish upon a star makes a link to a GPS satellite, which then transmits the coordinates to a hydrostatic relay mechanism. Because of the output, however, while the satellite can get all the energy it wants through its solar panels, it can only use so much energy at once. That's why you can only go part of the way at any one time.)

"Wow, are you an engineer, too?" Marty asked.

(No, I read that from the tech manual. Anyway, the machine also contains a recording of every language in the world, so when you talk, it instantly translates the words you speak. So, they hear you in their language, and you hear them in yours.)

"Cool, let me try," Kimmy said. She walked up to a native, who was standing in front of a brick hut. "Hey, Mister, where are we?"

"On my property!" the native said angrily. "Who are you?"

"My name's Kimmy. So, you own this dinky place, huh?"

Starr quicky jumped in and explained. "Sir, please excuse her, we come from a place where all people live in houses which would be considered palaces by your standards."

"Incredible!" The man's eyes grew wide. "To have such a place so soon is astounding! And, you say all of the homes are like this?"

"Yes, they are," Todd answered. Trying to figure out when they might have been placed, he asked, "Where are we?"

"Why, you are in the shadows of one of mankind's great accomplishments. Once it is finished we will have made a name for ourselves that no waters can wash away."!"

A mobster from Llanview licked his chops. Marching forward with great confidence, unlike the rest of them, he and his main henchman greeted the native. "Pardon us, but we have heard of your incredible prowess, and would like to join forces," he said.

"Yeah, this here is Al Capone, and my name is Muggsy," said the henchman.

Capone, as the others would know him by now, pulled "Muggsy" aside. "You numbskull, why didn't you give our real names!"

"Well, if he's heard of us he might have us arrested, right?"

"Ergh," Capone gritted his teeth. "We're so far back, there's no way he could know!"

Muggsy rubbbed his chin. "Oh, yeah, I kinda forgot we were back in time."

"What is your proposal, Mr. Capone?" Nimrod asked.

"Oh, well, there's a company called Buchanan Enterprises. I'd like to discuss providin' you with help in your vestures, in exchange for, oh, a monopoly on any and all business transactions. I can show you how to make all kinds of advanced weapons," Capone said.

Boss Hogg stepped forward, too. He was a bad, crooded man, but being raised in the South, he'd heard some Bible stories, at least. "Excuse us, Sir, but what was that you was sayin' about it bein' so soon, an' about water? You wouldn't happen to be talkin' about the Great Flood, would you?" He was. "Well, it just so happens that we have a lot of good stuff to offer, seein' as I'm the leader back where we come from."

"You're the leader of all these people?" The native asked. "What is your motto?"

As Boss Hogg tried to think, Bo Duke joked, "Knowin' Boss' appetite, it's, 'Are you giong to finish that sandwich?'"

The native nodded arrogantly. "Very well. The people of…" He thought for a second. "My people hereby have a treaty with the people who ask 'Are you going to finish that sandwich?' We have another ally in our ambitious project." He led them to a clearing, where they could see a large tower being contructed.

Luke whispered to Bo. "Uh oh, looks like we got problems. Look at that thing."

(Y'all, they hadn't looked up. But, now that they did, they could see a huge tower being built, with bricks two feet long, that looked a little like one of the Great Pyramids, 'cept it wasn't sturdy enough to stand the test of time like they were.)

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Luke asked.

Bo nodded. "Yeah. I got a funny feelin' about this, too. Hey, Boss."

Boss Hogg took the cigar out of his mouth. "Can't you Duke boys leave me alone; I'm transactin' business here."

"Boss, don't you know what that is?" Bo Duke asked, pointing at the tower.

"Yeah, it's a tower, what about it?" Boss Hogg said.

"Boss, if we do business with him, we'll wind up all confused, and none of us will be able to understand each other," Luke said.

Stephanie looked at Kimmy. "It happened to Kimmy a long time ago," she said.

Jesse Duke spoke up. "Uh, excuse me, but, are you sure 'bout this? I mean, Noah had to go through a lot 'cause of people bein' so evil before."

The native spat on the ground. "Ha, that old fuddy-duddy," he said scornfully. "We've been making this tower for years. What do we care about what Noah thinks?"

"Hey, I know who that was," Michelle piped up. "He's the man who built the ark."

"Who cares?"

Michelle shot him a look. "I do. We get candy for right answers in Sunday School."

"It's the only thing that gets her to get up for the church van, and even then it doesn't always, but it's something," Becky said.

He stared hard at them. "So, you are Noah lovers, are you?" he asked angrily. "Well, you have made a treaty to help us finish this tower. So, you must decide – will the people who ask 'are you going to finish that sandwich' be friends of that old fuddy duddy, or join us in what we're trying to do?"

"Uh…well…er…" Boss Hogg was torn. He kept trying to think of a way out, so he could earn money while not being judged for this act of arrogance, as the people would be..

Enos suddenly gasped. "Sheriff Rosco…Sheriff Rosco…"

"Enos, will you hush?" Rosco complained. "Can't you see the Boss is tryin' to fatten his wallet." Enos yanked on Rosco's tie and babbled incoherently, and pointed up. "You dipstick, what are you tryin' to do?"

"I hope the babbling hasn't started already," Starr said.

Rosco told her it hadn't. "This dipstick's just always…eee, ijit!'

(What they saw was two creatures bigger than any they'd ever seen. Oh, it's described in Job, Chapter 40. Needless to say, they was huge!)

"What's the problem," Cole asked.

Boss Hogg was getting flustered by Rosco and Enos. "Yeah, what are you two…"

Suddenly, one creature let out a screech as loud as a 747 taking off, and everyone finally looked. Rosco tripped, lost his hat, and fell into Boss Hogg, who fell into Enos. Enos fell into P.J., who fell into Jesse Duke, who fell into Jesse K. Soon, the entire band of time travelers was falling like dominoes.

It didn't stop there, either. Danny Tanner, at six foot four, was so tall, he fell into two natives as he held out his arms. The one on his seft fell and started one line falling, while the one on his right fell and started another line falling. By the time it was over, over a thousand natives had fallen down.

"B…B…B…" Boss Hogg uttered, trying to say "big" as the travelers all got up.

One of the natives said, "Behemoth. There are not many left." The native was knocked down by someone else falling, then got up again. "The climate is much different. I presume they are extinct where you come from?" he asked.

"You might say that," Stephanie said.

Finally choking out words, Boss Hogg said, "You girls can start to wish anytime now. I think these things may want to harm me."

"They sure don't act like Barney," Nicky and Alex said, though Michelle had to interpret, as the 2-year-olds weren't always understandable yet.

"Yeah, and they think that we're their supper, not their friend," Marty finished.

"Let's start wishing," Joey said. Boss Hogg quickly agreed that he was going with them. "Star light, star bright…"

(And so, the time travelers left Biblical times – well, the really long ago part. But, they wasn't home yet by any means. They was about to start on yet another adventure, in another time period.)

Chapter 3 – The Weirdness that Was Rome

The time travelers appeared on a hill, with lots of pasture around it. Suddenly a young man approached them. "Who are you?" the man asked. "What are those odd looking clothes?"

Luke Duke spoke. "Howdy, I'm Luke Duke, and this here's my cousin Bo…" He looked, and to his shock, the man beside him was not Bo Duke! "Hey, who are you?"

"My name is Bo."

"No it ain't, that's my cousin! He was standing right beside me when we…well.."

Todd stepped forward and held up his hands; he recognized the policeman standing beside Luke. "Excuse me, I think I can explain."

"Well, you better!" Luke said angrily. "If Bo's back there, we hafta go back and get him."

"Okay, see, this here's a different Bo. He's a policeman in Llanview, who didn't come with us originally," Todd told him.

"Well, how'd he get here now?" Daisy Duke asked.

"Uh, well," Jesse Duke said, "seems to me he probably went through that thar time machine. And, I don't know where that leaves Bo."

(Y'all, if anything weird was gonna happen, it figures it'd happen to the Dukes.)

"How can it be weirder than this whole time travel bit?" Marty asked in shock.

(Point taken. Anyway, Bo Duke was missin', an' this here other Bo, who we'll call Bo II, was here in his place. He's a policeman in Llanview.)

"Are you going to explain yourselves? I am Romulus, and I shall be king," the man said, as he introduced himself.

"No, you won't," another man said. "I, Remus, shall be king."

Boss Hogg inhaled deeply. "Rosco, do you know what this means?"

"Well, yeah, it means there's two people who both wanna be king," Rosco said.

"Rosco, I don't know where Bo is, but it seems your brain's lost with him. This here's Romulus and Remuus, the two men who supposedly founded Rome," Boss Hogg said.

"Now, wait just a minute here," Rosco said angrily, "I may not know much normally, but I been to Rome many a time, and I never heard of no story about it bein' founded by two brothers. Why, anyone from Hazzard knows the settlers took land from the Indians."

Boss Hogg looked ready to scream. "Ergh, not Rome, Georgia, I mean Rome, Italy!"

"Oooh, you mean we're…" He pointed down at the ground. "Well, how do we know which one to support?"

"What do you mean?" Cooter asked.

"Well, it's simple. Suppose we support one man, and the other was supposed to be king here. Why, we could wind up blowin' up the space-time continuum or somethin'," Rosco explained.

Al Capone and Muggly went over to the other hill, where Romulus was standing with a group of men, the same as Remus. "Romulus, listen," Capone said, "I'll help you be king, provided we get a piece of the action, if you know what I mean."

"And if I don't know what you mean, what then?" Romulus asked.

"Show 'im, Muggsy."

Muggsy pulled out a gun and fired it at a passing bird. It quickly dropped to the ground.

Enos turned to Rosco. "You know, Sheriff, them guys look pretty mean. I think we oughta suport Remus, so that Romulus fella don't wind up turnin' to mischief, on account of them guys influencing him," he suggested.

"That's a good point, that Remus might need our help," Rosco said.

"Excuse me, I'd like to say something," Danny said. He knew legend had it that Rome was named after Romulus.

"No, too many characters here as it is," Capone said. He then turned to Romulus. "We can give you any sort of help you want. You can have an empire that will rule the world."

"Rosco, do somethin'," Daisy insisted.

"Well, why me, why can't this here Bo from Llanview do it. He's a policeman, too," Rosco complained.

Bo II spoke up. "For one thing, I'm a lot more competent than you. I can't go around arresting those guys because they tried to make history turn out the way it was supposed to anyway."

At this point, Romulus grabbed the gun and shot at Remus.

Bo II pulled out a gun. "Now, that I can arrest him for."

"Excuse me," Danny said more loudly this time.

"That's not how you fire it," Capone said angrily, as he grabbed the gun from Romulus. "Look, do you want our help or not?"

"Excuse me, I know an important fact about which one of these two might win," Danny said.

Jesse K. shouted, "Hey, pipe down, everyone."

"No!" Remus grabbed the gun out of Rosco's holster, and almost shot himself in the foot before Rosco knew what was happening. Bo II shot the gun out of Remus' hands, while Capone grabbed the gun from Romulus.

"Cool, this is just like watching a Western," Kimmy said. "Except, we're in Italy. Hey, I bet this was the first Spaghetti Western movie," she concluded.

"I know; that spell must have worked that the Fairy Godmother put on; I'm not the least scared. Are you?" Stephanie asked Michelle

Michelle shook her head. "No. It's like a funny movie."

"Hey, you got any popcorn?" Kimmy asked the balladeer.

(I'm a balladeer, not a vendor.)

Capone pointed his gun at Bo II. "Okay, smarty, I challenge you to a duel. Me for Romulus, you for Remus. Winner's side gets to be king."

"Oh, it would be just like you to support the man who tried to shoot Remus here," Bo II said. "Why, I know exactly who you are. You're a notorious mobster."

"Hey, wait a minute," Rosco said. "That's right. I recognize you now from that thar other soap opera my sister Lulu watches, it's somethin' about the military."

Muggsy was stunned. "Even I'm not that dumb."

Rosco glared at Muggsy now. "Whaddayamean, of course it's about the military. It's called 'General somethin'." He rubbed his chin. "'Cept when I glanced at it once, they was all out of uniform."

"Oh, that's where I got confused, then," Muggsy said.

"That's General Hospital, you dimwit," Boss Hogg screamed. "And Muggsy is as dumb as you, 'cause you had him believin' it was about the military, and he's in the show!"

"Hey, you know, I can make this even more confused, if you want," Danny offered, with a comical grin. "Rome was named after Romulus."

Bo II was puzzled. "But, I just arrested him for trying to shoot Remus. Of course, I came after these guys who use Capone and Muggsy as aliases because I wanted to bring them in, but…if I do that, it'll change history, won't it?"

"Well, now, just a minute," Jesse Duke said. "Are you sure you're in your jurisdiction?"

"Oh, hush, Jesse," Rosco commanded. "Ain't you never heard of hot pursuit?"

"Not without you goin' 'khee khee khee' after them words," Luke teased.

"Shouldn't that be 'wee wee wee,' Michelle asked.

"Does he look like a little piggy?" Stephanie asked.

"Compared to Boss Hogg, he does," Michelle said.

Bo II said, "It'll probably shock you that Rosco is right. The doctrine of hot pursuit allows me to chase a criminal across a border without stopping. That would, of course, include the border of time. Whenever I give up the chase, however, even if for a moment, I lose that right."

"So, theoretically," Luke said, "you can take Capone and Muggsy in, but you have to report Romulus to the authorities here. 'Cause, Remus could have named it after his brother, or if he did die, we don't know how Remus died. It sure wasn't with a gun, 'cause they won't be around for a couple thousand years."

When he heard about his possible death, Remus was mad. He rushed up Romulus' hill, and punched one of Romulus' henchmen, a man named Cliff. He then stood on top of the man. "So shall it be to any man who defies me…whoops." He suddenly fell off the man, and fell down the hill, breaking his neck and dying.

"I guess now we know; he fell off a cliff," Kimmy spouted.

(Ouch. Talk about capital pun-ishment.)

Bo Duke walked up to them at that moment. "Sorry I'm late; I had to use the restroom."

"Oh, Bo, you're all right," Daisy said, running up to him and hugging him.

"We were really worried; we thought you was replaced," Jesse Duke said.

"Why, was Coy and Vance here?" Bo Duke asked, referring to the cousins who replaced him and Luke on their show during a contract dispute.

Bo II explained. "No, it's just that since we're from a soap opera, and people get replaced in weird ways sometimes, since my name is Bo, too…well, I mean my name is Bo also, although they called me Bo II. Well, not Bo, too, but Bo II." He shook his head. "Never mind." He pulled out handcuffs and put them on the gangsters. "I'm placing you under arrest. Now, how do we get back?"

"You have to wish. But, it goes kind of slow," Michelle explained.

"There could be an exception, since there would only be a few of you," Joey said. "We'll have to find out when we do it."

(Boss Hogg tried to complain that he wanted time to buy some land that could be worth billions, with interest, by his time. But, Romulus wouldn't have it. After all, 'Ol Boss had been with the guys supportin' his brother. So. The time travelers went forward some more, having Taiwanese some history behind what would one day be the glory that was Rome. Except this had been just plain weirdness that was Rome. Kinda figures with the Dukes involved, don't it?)

The group vanished, traveling forward in time to their next adventure.

Chapter 4 – Greece is the Word

The travelers appeared in a very somber city. "Excuse me," Todd said to one of the natives, "we're visitors from far away. We were curious why everyone is so sad."

"Because, our wise and noble emperor is at death's door," the native said in a whisper.

"And, what is his name?"

When Boss Hogg overheard that it was Alexander the Great, he turned to Rosco. "Rosco, do you know what this means?"

"Well, let's see, we went about 1500 years ahead, by that Danny Tanner's calculations, and now we're…let's see…" He started to count on his fingers.

"Oh, never mind that. What's important is, he died childless, an' his kingdom was split four ways. So, I gots an idea about how we can get in his good graces, and maybe he'll give me part of his empire."

"But, Boss, he don't even know us."

"That's not important; it's just gotta seem like he does. Now, while I try to get into the palace, I was you to make out a phony will that leaves part of the kingdom to me," Boss Hogg instructed. He then turned to the native as Rosco went to look for something to write with. "Oh, the great Alexander. Why, I remember him, he came through our land, an' I helped him so he wouldn't have no problem in takin' it."

"I see. And, what if your land?"

"Well, it's..uh…"

Michelle raised her hand. "I remember. We're the people who ask, 'Are you going to finish that sandwich.'"

"Yeah, that's what they call us," Boss Hogg agreed quickly.

The native looked at how fat Boss Hogg was. "I can believe that. You have probably finished many peoples' sandwiches. Come, would you like to pay your respects? If our emperor remembers you, then certainly, he will appreciate talking to you."

As the native led Boss Hogg into the palace, Luke turned to Jesse D. "Uncle Jesse, we gotta stop him."

"Well, Bo…I ain't too sure. I mean, long as we can get him to come forward with us…"

"Come on, Uncle Jesse," Bo said, "you know Boss'll never agree to that. If he can get Alexander the Great to sign his kingdom over to him, no tellin' what kind of bad stuff he'll do."

Jesse sighed. "Well, maybe you're right. I just got a feelin' it ain't gonna do us no good to try to get into that palace. Maybe the one to work on is Rosco…where did he go?"

Meanwhile, inside the palace, Boss Hogg was waiting to be greeted by Alexander the Great. A few people from Llanview came, too.

One of Alexander's close advisors came out of the room. "The emperor has been delirious, but it seems he may remember you. I can't promise anything, though."

"That's okay. You just wait here, 'cause I remember his sayin' he wanted to reward a great ruler with his kingdom," Hogg said as he went inside.

Several moments later, Rosco entered the palace, followed closely by Bo and Luke Duke. "Rosco, are you sure you wanna do this?" Luke asked.

"Oh, hush. Can't you see there's a great man dying in that other room. Why, it's bad enough I hafta go tell Boss Hogg something very important now, without you two tryin' to mess things up further." Rosco turned to the henchman. "Don't you let these two nowhere near the emperor, they're the biggest troublemakers around where we live."

"Then why did you bring them with you?" the henchman asked.

Rosco rubbed his chin. "Hmmm, that's a good question. Oh, I think there was somethin' about wantin' to march through Georgia with General Sherman."

"And, you were on your way to march through this Georgia?"

"Well, yeah, except…"

At that moment Boss Hogg heard Rosco, and signaled him into the room. "Come on, I gots a quill all ready," Hogg whispered.

Rosco went into the room. Luke said, "Look, I think there's somethin' fishy goin' on in there."

"Yeah, can't you at least go and check on him, make sure he's okay?" Starr asked.

"It would be terrible to interrupt right now. The emperor said earlier that he wanted to be alone. There is one person from the court there, to record his last words"

Moments later, Rosco came out grinning ear to ear, followed by Boss Hogg. "All right, you Dukes, you can't stop him now."

"That's right," Boss Hogg said, making sure Alexander the Great's people couldn't hear. "We got his 'x' on the last page of this here document." He turned to the henchman. "I just wanted to know, to make sure of my rights, to make sure he still agreed with it."

"Is it a will of some kind?"

Hogg pulled the paper, which was partly sticking out of Rosco's pocket, and gave it to the henchman. "Why, as a matter of fact, he did, as you can read."

The henchman studied the paper, which was written in English – a language he didn't understand a bit of; unlike speech, the translators didn't translate written language. "But, this document is not readable."

"What do you mean…" Hogg looked at it, and screamed, "Rosco, you dimwit, don't you know Alexander the Great would not have written a will in English!?"

"Well, how was I to know that," Rosco complained.

"By usin' your brain. This will's no good if it's in another language."

(While Boss Hogg and Rosco argued, Alexander the Great passed away, and his kingdom went as history says it went. With no influence from Boss Hogg. Alexander's people were really upset with Boss Hogg, and might have had him arrested, except the Dukes promised to leave and take them along quickly. And soon, everyone was going forward in history toward their next adventure.)

Chapter 5 – The Weirdness That Was Rome II – Julius Seize Her

The travelers arrived in a large, bustling city, just as a man was about to make a speech. A large crowd was gathered.

"Where are we this time?" Stephanie asked out loud.

P.J. wasn't sure. "I sure am enjoying this adventure with you," he said. "Although, I wonder why I'm not tired."

"Maybe someone wished to stay up all night without any ill effects. I can see Michelle doing that," Daisy remarked.

"Yeah, I just wonder how Boss Hogg will try to cheat this time," Todd said.

The speaker began. "Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears," he said.

"Rosco, you remember what that is?" Boss Hogg asked.

Enos did. "Possumonagumbush, I think that's a line from Shakespeare."

Rosco looked at Boss Hogg. "Oh, yeah, that's a line from one of them plays. Let's see…I think it was Hamlet."

"Ergh, Rosco, you birdbrain, why would there be a line about Romans in Hamlet if Hamlet was Prince of Denmark?" Boss Hogg screamed. "this here happens to be from the play Julius Caesar!"

Suddenly, several womens' screams were heard. Daisy had each been taken by Roman soldiers.

"Bo, they got Daisy," Luke said.

Bo II re-appeared and said "I'll get on it right away."

"Not you, he was talkin' to me," Bo Duke declared.

"Easy, Bo, this here Bo's a police officer in Llanview, remember? We gotta take advantage of havin' an honest cop around while we can," Luke noted.

"Now, what happened? Start at the beginning," Bo II asked.

Kimmy said, "In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth…."

"Not that far back!" Bo II said. "What happened when Daisy was taken?"

"Well, Boss here just said we'd just arrived soon after the death of Julius Caesar," Luke explained. Suddenly, another scream was heard, as Marty was taken.

Danny exhaled deeply. "I'm sure glad we had that wish done. Although, I wonder if they could seize Kimmy for a while."

"I've got it!" D.J. said, snapping her fingers.

Kimmy looked oddly at D.J.. "Don't tell me you caught some sort of weird plague being back this far."

"No, I mean I understand what's happening, Every time someone mentions the dead emperor's name, these Roman guards think they're saying to seize someone."

"Who? You mean…"

Jesse grabbed his wife, Becky, and held her tight. "Oh, no you don't."

"…Caesar?" Kimmy finished. Another woman from Llanview was taken.

"I don't understand," Starr said. "Why is that happening, when that name doesn't mean to take someone in Latin?"

Cole said sharply, "We're in a time travel story, with all sorts of weird physics, and you're worried about language?"

"Will the people who just came in please quiet down," the speaker continued. He looked out toward the crowd again. "I come not to bury Caesar…" Becky and Jesse were both taken. "…but to praise him. What kind of nuttiness is going on here?"

"I'll tell you what kind," Boss Hogg said, slightly out of breath as he ran up on stage. He got to the platform, and said, "Listen, I know you're all sad 'cause a great just died. But, I want to give you hope. I would like to the next Caesar." Another woman from Llanview was seized. "And, will the dipsticks who keep seizin' people stop it! Y'all are worse than than my own Hazzard County Sheriff's Department!"

As Boss Hogg kept talking, trying to convince the people to follow him, Bo Duke said, "What are we going to do? The Romans are taking all the women?"

"I'm tryin' to figure it out, Bo. Won't do no good to try to fight 'em with the weapons they got, though, Jesse Duke said.

Stephanie thought for a second. "I've got it!'

"You, too? This thing is contagious," Kimmy said.

"I mean, I have an answer." Stephanie explained to the others. "There's another pun you can make off the name, too. Julius sees her."

"Nothing happened," Enos said.

"Don't you know nothin', Enos?" Rosco asked. "Julius can't see anyone, 'cause he ain't here. He musta been that king who got so greedy in MacBeth."

Stephanie's eyes grew wide. "You thought the lead character in MacBeth was…" She was incredulous. "Even you're not that dumb, Kimmy."

"All right, maybe if we just say Caesar," Joey suggested. Suddenly, Becky and Jesse K. appeared, still holding on to each other.

"Phew. That was weird. At least it didn't mess up my hair," Jesse K. said.

People said "Caesar" several more times, until everyone who had been seized was returned. Finally, Cooter spoke up. "Wait a minute, this is a little weird. If saying the emperor's first name didn't work with this one, how come it made everyone get seized the first time?"

"It's simple," the Roman guard said as he brought Daisy Duke back. "I thought it was an order."

Danny nodded slowly. "So, your name would be…"

"Julius," the Roman said.

"Rosco, looks like you got competition for 'Dipstick of the Year,'" Todd teased.

"What? Why, I'll have you know my fat little buddy Boss Hogg can fix any vote. I'm sure I'll win in a landslide!" Rosco boasted. As the others laughed, he thought for a second. "Wait a minute…I'm not sure if I want that one."

Boss Hogg kept speaking, but people kept getting madder and madder. Finally, they started pelting him with rotten vegetables, chasing him off the stage.

Bo Duke laughed. "Looks like old Boss forgot his history lessons. There wasn't no empire till Augustus years later. The people didn't want one, and neither did the Roman Senate."

Luke agreed. "Boss was probably too busy tryin' to find ways to cheat."

"Okay, before we go, we'd better make sure everyone's here. Let's do a head count."

Michelle held up two heads of cabbage. "Here's two. And, Nicky and Alex each have a head of lettuce."

"Not those heads; I meant the ones on our bodies," Bo II said.

Michelle threw down the cabbage. "If we don't need them, let's ask them to throw something better at us. Like chocolate."

"Actually, they didn't know about chocolate in the ancient world; there wasn't any at all," Danny told her. "It was first brought to Europe by explorers centuries later."

"No chocolate anywhere? Let's get out of here!" Michelle exclaimed.

With that, the group wished and traveled further toward the present.

Chapter 6 – (The Wrong) Georgia On My Mind

(Y'all, our travelers had been through a lot of famous history. But, soon, they were about to see some less famous history. They wound up in Georgia. But, not the Georgia most people think of. That's when it got confusing. But, y'all expected that.)

The time travelers landed in a meadow next to a castle. A castle guard spotted them and immediately went out with some others to talk to them, and learn who they were.

"Halt, who goes there?" the lead guard asked in a menacing voice.

"Don't you think that's kind of a cliché?" Kimmy asked.

The guard scowled. "What kind of a response is that? Are you friend or foe?"

"Er, well," Boss Hogg stammered. The spear made him nervous. "Friend, of course. We're from Georgia."

The guard harrumphed. "You cannot be from here. Nobody is that fat here!"

"Now, wait just a minute," Rosco clamored. "I've lived in Georiga my whole life, and ain't never seen a castle like that one."

"Rosco, he means we're in the country of Georgia," Danny explained slowly.

Michelle put her hands on her hips. The seven-year-old lectured, "See? This is why we tell them, we're the people who ask, 'Are you going to finish that sandwich?'"

"That, I believe," the guard told Michelle. He spoke to the adults. "You are trespassing on the grounds of the ruler of Iberia," he complained harshly.

"Iberia? I thought Georgia was over near Russia," Enos said. "Well, what I mean is, their Georgia, not our Georgia. Our Georgia ain't nowhere near Russia," Enos told the guard.

"What on earth on you babbling about?!" the guard asked. "You are just a bunch of nonsense talkers."

"Well, you see, Iberia is where Spain is, if I'm rememberin' my geography right. But, they named lands after groups of people back then. So, these here might be the Iber people, or something like that," Jesse Duke suggested, trying to pull what he recalled out from what he'd learned in school long before.

(While they was getting' straight where exactly they were, a distraught woman came out of the castle.)

"Guards, have you seen my husband yet?" the woman asked. They hadn't.

"Well, we'd be happy to look for him with ya," Luke said. "What's he look like?"

"These nonsense talkers are from a land far away, Your majesty. They are known as 'The people who ask, Are you going to finish that sandwich?'" the guard explained.

"Are you here as ambassadors to the Court?" the woman asked. "I am Queen Nana."

Asa Buchanan appeared out of nowhere, and pulled out a cell phone.

(Y'all see that guy? He's the Hughie Hogg of Llanview. Unlike Boss Hogg, who's real crooked but has a few morals, Asa don't got no morals.)

"He looks like he has all his teeth to me," Kimmy said to the Voice.

(The teeth are called molars, Kimmy, not morals. Anyway, he decided to search for the country on Wikipedia. He figured if the king was missin', he could maybe take over.)

"My husband was in the forest, and has disappeared. I hope a bear didn't eat him," the queen said.

Asa, an aged man, was still able to find the site by accessing the Internet on his cell phone. "Yes, in fact, this is a talking bear," he said, pointing at Boss Hogg. "He ate the king, because he wanted to take over the throne. But now, I shall help you, as long as you let me into your court."

The guard glared at Boss Hogg, studying how large he was. Meanwhile, Bo Duke declared, "Come on, that's impossible and you know it!"

"Yeah, don't you know polar bears only live in the Arctic?" Rosco noticed everyone looking at him. "Well, since my fat little buddy here is all white, I figured maybe you was thinkin' he was a polar bear."

"Enough; until this mystery is solved, we will take the fat man to the dungeon," the guard said, guiding Boss Hogg away from them with his spear. Several other guards quickly came up to surround Boss Hogg.

"Uncle Jesse, you can't just let them do that," Bo Duke shouted.

"Yeah. The nerve of those guards, thinking he was a bear," Kimmy said.

D.J. tried to let her down easily. "Actually, he made it sound like Boss Hogg was threatening the king. That's why they're taking him to the dungeon."

"She's right," Jesse Duke said. "An', the best way to solve this is the make sure the real king is found."

"No," Asa said, "sadly, King Mirian II is dead."

Nana stared at him. "Of course he's dead, he reigned 300 years ago."

Enos' eyes grew wide. "Possumonagumbush, you mean we just missed seein' a man who was over 300 years old?"

"Actually, click on that link." Asa didn't know how. "Here." Starr took the phone, and clicked on the link to "Mirian II." "That's weird; it says here he died about 300 years ago, like the queen said."

"In other words," Cole spoke up, "He may not be threatening your current king. He seems to be saying Boss Hogg was threatening the life of a man who died over 300 years ago," he finished, leaving the other guard confused.

"But…but this is Wikipedia." Asa complained as several guards surrounded him. "It's an encyclopedia. It's not supposed to have mistakes!"

"Take that man in for questioning, too," one of the remaining guards commanded. Several others surrounded Asa. "Keep an eye on the others, don't let them pull any tricks," he ordered, before they took Asa to the dungeon, too. Nana went with them.

"So, who's the king now?" Daisy asked.

Starr kept pushing buttons. "Let's see, I'm not finding links under 'Kings of Georgia,' maybe if I look under Kings of Iberia…no. Okay, here it is; 'Kingdom of Georgia.'" The others were looking at the screen of her cell phone. "There's a list here."

"What is that strange device?" one of the remaining guards asked.

Jesse Duke looked at him and chuckled. "I don't know; it's after my time. You see…"

(Y'all, even Jesse Duke can't think of a good way to explain stuff this crazy. So, they just waited till Starr had found the right monarch.)

"Okay, it's Mirian III, but let me check the link." Starr did, and read what it said. "Okay, wait, let me correct it over here."

"Don't worry about that," P.J. told her. "We've got more important things to do."

"Like try to get Boss Hogg out of there," Cooter said.

Todd said something else was more important. "We need to figure out what the roaming charges are like on his cell phone for being halfway around the world, while also being almost 1700 years outside his calling plan."

"Is it a weekend? If it's like land phones, he might get a discount," Kimmy suggested.

Starr checked the "billing" section. "Let's see…yeah, Kimmy's right. Instead of $10,832,285.16 per minute, he's only getting charged $10,831,915.32 per minute."

At that moment, Mirian III came out of the forest. "The weirdest thing just happened," he told a guard, who had been listening in since the travelers came.

"Your Highness, trust me. It can't be any weirder than what has been happening here," the guard said.

The king looked at the strangely dressed people, and the weird device that they were all looking into. "You might be right. Anyway, here is what happened to me. I was blinded in the forest, and I couldn't see until I called out to God, which I did. Now, I must find someone who can explain to me what I have been dismissing all these years."

"Er, well," Jesse Duke began. "We'll help ya, but first, we got a couple people from our group in your dungeon."

"Yeah, Your Majesty, one man accused the other man of being a bear and eating you, and then the first man claimed that you were your predecessor from centuries ago, Mirian II," the guard finished.

The king looked strangely at the guard. "Are you sure you're feeling all right?" He led the others into the castle, and toward the dungeon.

"Naturally, Sire, we did not believe a man was a bear – though, he's fat enough I suppose there could have been doubt," the guard admitted. "But, we were mostly concerned for your safety when you were gone. The first man claimed that this very fat man was going to try to take over the kingdom, which was when we got concerned."

Rosco ran up to Boss Hogg in the dungeon. "Boss, are you all right?"

"It was torture, Rosco. They weren't gonna let me eat," Boss Hogg complained.

"I figured it'd be that kind of torture; this is a family friendly story," John McBain, one of the Llanview people, said.

Cooter was stunned. "Y'all crashed through that fourth wall almost worse than any crash Rosco's ever had." He looked at the Dukes and smiled. "Notice I said almost." They laughed together.

"Getting back to business here," the king said, a little insistently.

"Yeah. Come on over here a minute," Jesse Duke said. They went off to the side and talked, with D.J. joining them.

"Hey, speaking of food, can you use that cell phone to order a pizza?" Kimmy inquired.

"And, you want it delivered how?" Becky asked, folding her arms.

Michelle suggested, "We could wish for it."

"Good idea," Stephanie said. "After all, this isn't scary; we'll just think of it as a weird dream when this is all over."

"Sure," John began, looking at the "Full House" people. "Just like that episode where a pizza delivery man goes into the bathroom! There's only one – where in all other episodes there are at least three and maybe four or five bathrooms. Which are only two of many things that prove it was a dream. Or, hasn't that happened yet?"

"I had that dream a few nights ago," Michelle said. "Joey didn't use the basement recording studio. But, he always goes there to relax 'cause he can turn the red light on so he's not disturbed. Then, Kimmy lets this guy in, but he doesn't apologize and leave when he realizes he wasn't even let in by one of us. And Uncle Jesse says he slid down the banister. Dad would never let him do that. He could crash and break something."

"Speaking of crashing, what's with all this crashing into the fourth wall?" Todd asked.

"I wanted to get back into police work, and I thought Boss Hogg would hire me," John explained. "It sounds like crashing is one of the main requirements to be on their force."

Bo II appeared out of nowhere.

(Hey, that's where Asa had been, too. I bet it's 'cause Bo II was chasing him there.)

Bo II handcuffed Asa. "I'm taking him back to our time for prosecution. You won't have to worry about him any more," Bo II promised the guards.

"But, wait, how do you get back? Can we go that quickly?" John asked.

Bo II shook his head. "Sorry, there's no room. I bummed a ride with Doc Brown and Marty McFly in the DeLorean." He led Asa away in handcuffs.

King Mirian III, Jesse Duke, and D.J. walked over to the others. "I want to thank you all," the king said. "I now believe that Jesus Christ died for my sins, and rose from the dead. I believe He was the perfect, sinless sacrifice that suffered in my place on the cross, so I could get to Heaven. And, that He rose from the dead, just as I will be raised someday." He cleared his throat. "Although, considering the way in which I learned of His salvation, well, I think I better to credit a missionary who has been around here in my chronicles. Otherwise, people will think I'm several bricks shy of a load."

"That's perfectly understandable," Jesse Duke said. "That person would have anyway, if we hadn't come along."

(Matter of fact, Uncle Jesse was right; this here king was one of the first monarchs in the world to convert and then led his country that way.)

D.J. agreed. "I'm just glad we got to be a part of it. I remember hearing about it from Mom, and receiving it. And, telling Steph about it after she backed the car into the kitchen, when she wondered how anyone would forgive her that evening."

"Sounds like John here ain't the only one to try applyin' for jobs with the Hazzard County Sheriff's department," Cooter said.

"Yeah. It's great to know that unconditional love, isn't it?" Stephanie asked the king.

"It certainly is. Are you missionaries, too, like the one from Rome I thought about looking for?" he asked.

"Rome?" Enos asked in a shocked voice. "Maybe this here's our Georgia, after all."

"He means Rome, Italy." Luke turned to the king. "It's kinda a long story. See, there's this other place called Georgia, too, where some of us are from."

"Is it always as strange back in your Georgia as it seems from what you brought here?" the guard inquired.

"To tell you the truth," Bo Duke said, "this was kind of typical for Hazzard County."

The king smiled. "I am glad it is not always this weird here. Good day, Gentlemen."

(And that, my friends, is the tale of one Georgia meetin' another. An', I'll bet that king was really thankful he didn't see some of it. Just imagine. He coulda seen the General Lee flyin' through the air. Then, he'd have really thought it was crazy.)

Chapter 7 – King of the Franks

(Our time travelers came to their next place at night. Since there was already some folks in tents, they borrowed a few, and got some well deserved rest. Early in the morning, it was still dark, since it was near Christmas. Boss Hogg woke up, an' quickly woke Rosco up beside him. The commotion woke the others up, too.)

"Rosco, wake up," Boss Hogg was shouting.

"I heard you the first time. Or, maybe the second. What is it?" Rosco asked.

Boss Hogg pointed up at the sky. "What does that tell you?"

"Oh, let's see." Rosco looked up at the sky, and began to wax poetic. "There's a whole buncha stars up there. Each one of 'em's as big as our sun, an' yet to us, they're little points of light. An', some of 'em might have planets goin' 'round 'em. Planets that are one percent the size of those little points of light."

"Come on, Rosco, what else does it make you think?" Boss Hogg insisted.

Rosco continued to look up as he spoke. "Well, let's see, if they're so small, they're little points of light to us, that means to get to 'em would take thousands of lifetimes. It makes me think how big the universe is, and how little we are," he finished. "What do you think about, Boss?"

"Rosco, you dimwit; the first thing I think is, somebody stole our tents!" Boss clamored.

Rosco quickly got up. "Oooh, all right. Whoever stole our tents, give yourselves up. I got you surrounded." He looked at the Llanview people as Boss Hogg grimaced. "Any of you got 'em in your pockets?"

"Rosco, how are they gonna fit all them big tents in their pockets?" Boss Hogg asked testily.

"Hmmm, you're right," Rosco said, rubbing his chin. "Maybe they got 'em hid under their clothes."

By then, everyone else was awake. All the time travelers got up, as more people came slowly up the road to meet them.

(Now, y'all should know that the first people saw someone had crawled into some of their tents. So, they picked 'em up and moved. 'Course, it was a bit warmer in Europe at this time, especially in Southern Europe, so since they had their clothes on, they was warm enough. The other people would reach their destination safely. But, they just wouldn't be greeted like this.)

"You are up early," the leader of the second group said, as they got to the time travelers. The sunrise slowly peeked over the horizon.

"Well, we were sleeping well," Todd remarked, "except there was some question about our tents being stolen. I feel wide awake now, though."

"Same here," several others said.

"It is good we came to meet you. We heard you would come by Christmas," the leader said.

"Christmas?" Michelle's eyes lit up. "Does this mean we get presents?"

"How can they give us presents? They don't even know us," Stephanie asked.

"We have presents for…" The men knelt as Danny came out of the woods from relieving himself. "All hail the King of the Franks."

"I don't know about the king; I could probably eat five or six," Danny replied.

Boss Hogg stepped forward. "No, no, you misunderstand. I am the King of the Franks."

"Our people also ask, 'Are you going to finish that sandwich,'" Michelle reminded him.

One of the men looked at another as they all stood. "I had heard that His Majesty was much taller than all others in Europe."

The other man hummed. "Perhaps it was his width, and not his height, that exceeded all others in his realm."

"Yeah, that's it," Boss Hogg declared, anxious to try to be hailed as king.

"Well, of course," Kimmy noted, "he'd have to be to be King of the Franks."

"Now, hold on a minute," Luke said, holding up his hands. "I reckon I'm startin' to remember a little bit from World History class. These here fine folks are lookin' for Charlemagne."

"That's right; I'm Charlemagne," Boss Hogg spoke. The natives looked oddly at each other, wondering what was going on.

Danny blurted, "No, he's not. The king of the Franks was known for being really tall."

"Oh, hush," Boss Hogg spouted. "You're the old king, I'm the new king."

"Do you know what this means?" P.J. asked.

"They're having a hot dog eating contest?" Kimmy suggested.

"Kimmy, hot dogs haven't been invented yet," Starr said.

"Besides, I think Boss Hogg would win one, hands down," Marcie countered.

"I think I could give them both a run for their money," Joey added, not knowing how much Boss Hogg could eat.

As the others argued about who would win a hot dog eating contest, one of the natives looked at the other and asked, "Do you suppose all Franks act like this?"

"Maybe. Their little girl said that they were known as the people who ask, 'Are you going to finish that sandwich.'"

(Well, the visitors figured they'd sort out who was the rightful king later. They knew the King – Charlemagne, that is – was comin' to Rome to see the Pope. So, they brought the people in to the outer chamber of a large church. Boss Hogg said he'd like to see him.)

"Your Holiness," they heard someone say, "here are the ones who request an audience." The person then announced that the Pope was coming out.

The Pope came out. Very few of the travelers were Catholic – just a few Llanview people, really – but those knelt, as did Boss Hogg. "Uh, girls," Danny said, "I think we're supposed to kneel, too," Danny said as he knelt.

"Don't be crazy, Mr. T," Kimmy said. "That guy said we wanted an audience. That means we're supposed to perform." She turned to the Pope. "Hey, Pope. Got a unicycle around?"

"Kimmy," D.J. scolded, "I know we're not Catholic, but you should still address him much more respectfully than, 'Hey, Pope.'"

Danny was a former sportscaster. He recalled correctly that, "I think it was Dizzy Dean who said 'Hi, Pope' to the pontiff when the St. Louis Cardinals made a trip to Rome in the 1930s. He also spoke to a cardinal, I think it was, and said, 'Hey, I'm a Cardinal, too.' Of course, he was just joking around with both; that was the public image he gave, because he knew it would draw an audience."

The pope shook his head and spoke wearily. "What are you talking about?" Danny's rambling was worse since he spoke of things over 1100 years in the future.

"Speaking of an audience, Stephanie, sing that Oscar Mayer song," P.J. suggested.

"Oh, I don't think…" she began modestly.

"No, come on, I love to hear you sing," the young teenage boy insisted.

"Well…okay." Stephanie decided it was okay; this was a dream, after all, she figured. Or, to be more precise, a couple dreams, as there had been a period of sleep between them. She began singing, "My bologna has a first name. It's O-S-C-A-R…"

The time travelers all started talking at once, when the Pope turned to his guard. "What kind of madness has the King of the Franks brought with him? Don't they know requesting an audience means to see me about some important matter?"

"He is a king. I suppose he brought his own court jesters," his helper said.

That reminded Boss Hogg of his desire to be crowned. "Yes, I did. Now, I understand you have a crown for me."

"And, if it's Christmas, we need presents," Michelle insisted.

"Maybe he'll give 'em to ya if you bow," Enos suggested. "I ain't bowin', 'cause I'm Southern Baptist. Lots of people are in Hazzard. But, some people just call themselves Christian, but they ain't never cared about obeyin' God. Just like sittin' in a garage an' sayin' you're a car don't make you one."

"I think he's talkin' about you, Boss," Cooter said.

"Especially with his size; he could pass for a car," Kimmy remarked.

"Oh, hush." Boss Hogg turned back to the Pope, and tried to sound sweet. "Now, about that crown."

Bo stepped forward, hoping to stop boss Hogg from being crowned head of anything. "Now, wait, we have more than one person who claims to be King of the Franks. With all due respect, you need to think about this."

"That's right," Kimmy said, "you need to hold a hot dog eating contest to find the King of the Franks. If you don't have those, just use some sausage."

The Pope's eyes grew wide. "The Holy Roman Emperor…shall be crowned by a hot dog eating contest?!" His mouth stood agape. He didn't know what to say. He'd considered crowning Charlemagne – a more humble man than this fat man, for sure – Holy Roman Emperor today. But, now? He hoped someone would outeat Boss Hogg. "I…suppose we can do it this way."

Jesse Duke knew food back then was not very good. "Uh, it hasta be meat from cows that have just been slaughtered. Today."

"He's right,' Danny said, "and, they have to be well done."

"Well, of course, who wants yucky meat," Kimmy asked.

Even Rosco knew what he meant. "He means cooked all the way through. No red or even pink on the meat," Rosco said. "Now, take us to a butcher so we can tell 'em how to do it, an' we can get started."

(Soon, they were roasting meat – the closest thing to a hot dog for 800 A.D. – over a fire around noon. Now, they'd been helped somewhat by the fact they had a lot of empty space to build fires; an' a lot of meat for Christmas feasts. So, they had about 1500; about 50 for each person. They was all put in bread that was folded up, and a bunch was sat in front of everyone.)

The Pope came out to see them. "Is everything well?" he asked.

"Yeah, we got about 1500 hot dogs here," Cole said.

"Very well." The Pope sighed. "You may begin eating…now."

"What's that crown?" Michelle wanted to know, as she ate part of a hot dog.

"It is for the new Holy Roman Emperor. It goes to the winner of this…hot dog eating contest," the Pope said. He spoke the last words very slowly, as if he could not believe it himself.

"Right," Todd asked between bites, "he'll also be the King of the Franks, right?"

The Pope explained. "The man I am ready to crown Holy Roman Emperor is already King of the Franks."

"Uh-oh," Rosco interrupted as boss Hogg downed his fifth hot dog, and grabbed the plates of Nicky and Alex, who were full. "Bad news, Boss. We hardly got anybody in Hazzard named Frank."

Daisy whistled. Boss Hogg had grabbed more hot dogs from others, who clearly wouldn't eat all theirs. "I wish that was true, Rosco; maybe then he wouldn't get crowned emperor like that. Look at all them hot dogs in front of Boss.'

"Yeah, it looks like he's gonna win this contest goin' away,' Jesse Duke said.

The Pope looked at the people as Danny and Joey both stopped. Cole was on his eighth, but Boss Hogg was on at least that, and had a mountain of several hundred hot dogs in front of him. The others just sat around talking. The Pope turned to one of his helpers. "I had always heard differently about the King of the Franks…and yet…"

"It is very strange, I agree," the other man said.

After about 25 hot dogs, Boss Hogg looked up for a moment. His mouth was still partly full. "So, you gonna give me that crown, or should I wait till I'm done eatin'?" He'd only made a dent in it.

The Pope picked up the crown, and looked very hesitantly at it and at Boss Hogg. "Well, you certainly have an appetite. I expected a more humble man, but…"

Suddenly, a messenger came running out of the large church the others had been in. "Your Holiness, the King of the Franks is inside praying at the altar."

"So, the real Charlemagne is in there?" the Pope asked. When the messenger said yes, the Pope looked up to Heaven, tucked the crown under an arm, and folded his hands. "Thank You, Lord!" he said, before he took the crown and ran inside.

(Y'all, I ain't seen too many people look more thankful than that Pope did then.)

Bo and Luke started laughing. "Hey, Boss," Luke said. He turned to Bo. "I reckon he don't care; he's too busy eating."

"With all those hot dogs in front of him, who can blame him?" Marty asked.

"I guess since it'd midday, we wish on the sun; it is a star, after all," P.J. suggested.

(They wished, and they left – but first, they had some business to take care of. Of course, Boss Hogg had to finish eatin'. But, then, they went around an' passed out all the leftover hot dogs to the poor. So, it seems that on a Christmas day, even way back in 800, they was still able to spread a little Christmas cheer.)

Chapter 8 – 1215 - A Time for Silliness, A Time for Hope

(Our travelers appeared near a small group of people.)

"All right," John McBain, one of the Llanview people, said, "it looks like we're still in the Middle Ages."

"Yeah, I'm in my early 50s, so I guess that's about right," Rosco said.

Boss Hogg rolled his eyes. "He means the time in history."

A large crowd looked toward the strangers. "Why are you all here?" Marcie asked. "You seem to be waiting for something."

"John," one of the people said.

"They all are gonna have a long wait, Sheriff," Enos told Rosco. "I reckon they won't have no indoor plumbing for a few hundred years yet."

"Enos, you dipstick, they're talkin' about a person named John. Just like he's John," Rosco said, pointing at John McBain.

A tumult came over the crowd, as some heard that it was John. A large number started coming toward him and the others. "It's him, he is in disguise," one of them said.

Another of the crowd shouted, "It is him, it is King John."

(Y'all, it's hard to quiet a crowd, when things get too excited. They was lookin' for King John of England. An', if you know your history, you might guess why. The kids were distracted from seein' John McBain an' some others get roughed up by the crowd. They were led away from the rough stuff, and toward some local peasants and a peddler.)

The "Full House" adults, plus Daisy, led those under 18 away from the crowd, and toward a group of peasants. A peddler was selling wares. "Let's meet some locals, as long as we're traveling through time," Danny said as they walked away from the noise.

"Yeah, that King John was a bad dude, from what I hear," Kimmy said. "But, he had a fitting end." The others looked oddly at her. "You know, all those bathrooms that are called johns."

"Kimmy…" D.J. didn't know where to start in explaining things.

(What happened there is special, though. Let's get back to Boss an' the others. But, don't worry, we'll get back here. It just happened at the same time as people was gettin' a little confused about…well, lots of things.)

As the crowd surrounded John McBain, others tried unsuccessfully to explain. Boss Hogg realized what was going on. "Rosco, listen, I just had me an idea."

"Oooh, khee, khee, I love it. Uh, wait, what is it?"

"Look, first we gotta find the real King John," Boss Hogg said. "If I'm right, them barons are gonna be forcin' him to sign away some rights."

"Ooo, you know, Boss, if the Red Baron is one of 'em, maybe we could get his autograph." Rosco ignored Boss Hogg's grimace. "It might be worth a lot of money."

"Rosco, he was a pilot! Airplane's won't be around for another 700 years!"

"Oh; I guess we got a longer wait…"

Enos interrupted him. "Sheriff, we gotta do somethin', the crowd's taken him an' his wife, Barbara."

Bo corrected him. "Enos, you're thinking of Barbara Bain, an actress in 'Space, 1999.'"

"Oooh, hey, there's another idea, Boss; if we go there, you can buy up space for $19.99."

Luke was at a loss for words. "Rosco…never mind. Look, I got an idea. Come on, Luke." Cooter joined them, as Bo and Luke went off in search of the real King John.

"We can't just stand here and let them rough our people up," Todd proclaimed.

"No, we can't just stand here; come on, Rosco, we gotta find King John before them Duke boys do," Boss Hogg said.

Bo, Luke, and Cooter found themselves near a castle. "Are you the ones who have taken the king?" a guard asked, pointing a spear at him.

"No, look, there's an angry crowd we're trying to protect him from. In fact, they took one of our people by mistake," Bo said.

"From what I remember, some barons took him to a meadow near here. It had a funny name, something about running," Luke said. The guards recognized it as Runnymede.

(The Dukes made it to Runnymede, but not before Boss Hogg and Rosco got there. They learned it wasn't just barons – there were abbots, bishops, and even the King of Scotland, the head of Wales, and a few Knights Templar. The citizens of London had opened the gates of London to all these people on June 10th. Now, it was the 15th, and King John was close to puttin' his seal on that historic document known as the Magna Carta.)

"Now, Rosco," Boss Hogg said, "we got our people free, now you and Enos keep 'em away. I'm gonna have a go at gettin' in good favor with this here king."

"But, Boss, you ain't even a knight. For one thing, you wouldn't fit in a suit of armor, unless it was an armored car," Rosco said.

"Well, that's better than you, on account of you're so dumb, you'd wear your armor on the inside like a bullet proof vest. They don't know who we are, so all I gotta do is tell them I'm the leader of a faraway land." He turned and walked toward King John.

"Who are you? What are you doing here?" the barons asked testily.

Boss Hogg explained. "Good day, Gentlemen. I'm from one of the farthest away little places that King John has title to; it's a place called Hazzard." When they hadn't heard of it, Boss Hogg explained. "His Highness the King has lots of little lands. Ain't that right?" The king nodded. "We're the people who ask, 'Are you going to finish that sandwich.'"

"That, I believe," the King of Scotland said. "Perhaps you are from one of the lands in France?"

"You might say that. Listen, I just got word the King was bein' made to sign an important document. I was hoping I could get some rights for my people," Boss Hogg said.

"Such as what?" King John asked; he was visibly shaken by the fact he'd been forced to come out here.

"Oh, a few land contracts, that sort of thing." Rosco came up to him. "Oh, it's that crazy Sir Rosco. What is it, Rosco, can't you see I'm busy?"

"Well, Jesse Duke was sayin' he don't think your idea's gonna work. He says lots of stuff in there is copied off of something signed by one of the earlier Kings of England."

Taking the name "Duke" to mean royalty, a baron suggested, "Perhaps if this Duke…"

Boss Hogg flailed his hand. "Oh, what does he know?"

Jesse Duke had worked with some other Llanview people to convince the mob that John McBain was not King John. Now, they started to come alongside Rosco.

Rosco continued to talk. "He also says it's mostly legal rights in there, and the most important one to folks nowadays is the right of habies to make corporations; whatever habies are." He turned to Jesse "Ain't that right, Jesse?"

"Actually, Rosco, I said habeas corpus; that means you can't be imprisoned without some sort of charges and a trial," Jesse explained. "There's other rights given to freemen in that document, that are new from when an earlier King made something like it. But, I reckon 'habeas corups is the biggest right that maters where we're from. That thar Magna Carta is a great symbol of freedom where we're from, though," Jesse Duke told the natives.

The King of Scotland introduced himself, and said, "I would rather deal with this man. He may not be from here, but whatever land you are all from, he seems to know what he is talking about."

"Oh, all right," Boss Hogg said, "but I'm warnin' you, Jesse, you get me some rights from that thar King John, or else!" he finished with a loud warning.

"Well…okay," Jesse said as Bo, Luke, and Cooter came up to him.

(Now, as I was sayin', the others learned more history, while they was doin' this.)

"Hi," Stephanie said warmly to one of the children, who looked sad.

"Who are you?" a child asked. "And, why do you dress like a peacock?" The child was staring at Kimmy, who often wore very loud clothing.

"We're from a land very far away," Becky said.

Kimmy didn't care about being secretive. She blurted, "What year is it?"

"It's 1215," a peasant said in disbelief. He thought Kimmy must be nuts to ask that.

"I didn't ask the time, but A.M., or P.M?" Kimmy inquired. When even her best friend D.J. shot her a look, she said, "Oh, yeah, of course; the sun's out. It must be P.M.."

P.J. rolled his eyes. "He means the year 1215. How dumb are you, Kimmy?"

Daisy interrupted. "Y'all, those people were lookin' for King John. These people are living in terrible oppression."

D.J. asked kindly, "Is that why you look so sad?"

The child shook his head. "No, it's 'cause my baby brother died."

Stephanie remembered praying for a favorite stuffed animal to be found. She had prayed directly to God. She said, "We're sorry to hear that. My mom died when I was little. But, when I think about that, I remember she's in Heaven. She doesn't feel pain or sadness or anything bad. And, there are times I talk to God about it. Not as much as I should."

The peasants were incredulous, as Danny got apprehensive. "You talk to God directly?"

"And, you know for sure your mother is in Heaven? We have never heard of such things!" another peasant said. "We always heard God was so angry with us."

"Sure," Stephanie said with a smile. "Just like when I asked Him for Mr. Bear to be found. I told Him I knew He was busy, but I just believed He'd hear me."

(If y'all are wonderin', the episode was "Godobye, Mr. Bear." Toddler Michelle hid him. He was found a couple days later. Danny was nervous at Stephanie sayin' this, though.)

"Uh, Steph," Danny stammered a little, "I know you're protected by that wish thing, but some of us could be arrested for heresy."

"But, Dad…" Stephanie said. She didn't like the fact these peasants were so fearful.

The peddler smiled. "You are of the poor of Lyons, too?" he asked.

"I don't know? Is that a good thing?" Danny asked with a toothy grin.

The peddler looked – the coast was clear. "Your daughter is right," he said. He pulled out a scroll. "A man - crucified at the time Jesus was - confessed his sins to Jesus. He sought to enter God's Kingdom. As you see here," he said, as all got close, "Our Lord says 'This day, you shall be with me in Paradise.' There is no Purgatory."

(The time travelers were amazed at how old that scroll might be. The peddler thought about how few there were.)

The man spoke as he put the scroll back under his robe. "Our leaders do not let you read the Bible yourself. But, the Bible is the Word of God. In it, our Lord promises that the angels of little ones – like yours that died – always see His Father's face. Your baby is in Heaven. You can know for sure you will see Him again. God is not the angry God that the Church teaches." He turned to Danny. "I planned to speak with these people in private," the man said. "You seem bolder than we are. Where are you from?"

"Oh, that's not important. We'll be leaving soon. But, who are you?" Becky asked.

"I am of Waldo's people," the peddler said.

Michelle raised her hand. "I know that name. There's a big crowd in his books, and the trick is to find him."

"Actually, the original name in those books was Wally," Danny said. "You won't believe this," he told the peasants, "but we're from the future. The Protestant Reformation won't begin for another 300 years."

"I'm sure you are hiding your real location. That is understandable; as you say, the people of Europe are under great oppression. People are not allowed to have their own Bibles, and are taught that God is so angry with them. Even if they do all these works, they are told He may still shut them out of Heaven, or they will suffer first. But, the truth is far better," he said, turning to the peasants. "He is a loving and merciful God. It is true, He can't stand sin, but He lovingly came down to reconcile us to Himself."

D.J. dared to ask, "Sorry to interrupt, but, I'm curious. How did you get that parchment?"

"We dare not reveal our sources," the man said, "unless a person swears our oath of poverty. To go around Europe, one person at a time, telling of God's great love. You see," he said, turning back to the family. "What the Bible says is true, not man's tradition. And, God's Word says to come to Him by simple faith. 'For by grace are ye saved through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God. Not of works, lest any man should boast.' So many live in fear. But, perfect love casts out fear. God wants you to know His perfect love. To revere Him, but not be terrified." He turned to Stephanie. "How many books of the Bible have you memorized?" he asked, thinking the time travelers were like him; perhaps from the legendary Prestor John's kingdom.

"Did you say books?" Stephanie's eyes grew wide. "I don't know if I know a single verse by heart. Maybe John 3:16."

The man didn't know what that meant; books were not yet divided into verses. "By your age, Waldensian children have memorized a Gospel, or at least a few epistles. Because the Bible is so hard to come by, we must rely on God to use His Word to convince others of His grace, love, and mercy. Because," he said, turning back to the peasants, "all you must do to be saved is trust in Jesus by simple faith."

Stephanie piped up, "And, you can talk to God anytime then. Just like when I asked for Mr. Bear to be found, and he was."

"She is right. Simply put your whole faith in Him. Believe what He did on the cross when He died was all the punishment that was needed for your sins. The Church does not have to control you. He died once for all. And, He rose again the third day, just as He will raise you up. And, as He has already raised your baby up. Simply repent – that is, agree that your sins keep you from Heaven, and that you can't save yourself. And, receive Him as your personal Savior. He will come to live in you and work in your hearts to help you grow closer to Him. And, as she said, He will give you perfect comfort, peace, joy, wisdom, whatever you need, if you only ask. You can know Him personally. He wants you to," the man finished.

The time travelers listened with great joy, and said their farewells. "They're like the Lone Ranger," Becky said. "They can't worship freely, so they just go from place to place."

"I guess freedom really isn't free," Jesse K. said, feeling choked up. "We sure take some stuff for granted. Stuff people had to fight and die for, so we could be free."

Danny agreed. "Every little bit helps. Just like that Magna Carta. Is that what was being signed?" he asked the others, as they met up with them.

"Yeah, and I made sure to get me some real rights. 'Cause this here signature says 'John,'" Boss Hogg said, as he held up a piece of parchment, which had been done separate from the others at Runnymede. He looked at it, and got a look of disgust.

"Actually, there weren't no signatures on the real Magna Carta; the King just put his seal on it, which in front of witnesses had the force of law in them days, since not everyone could write," Jesse explained.

Boss Hogg screamed, "This here paper was signed by John McBain! I wanted King John to sign it!"

(Y'all just knew Jesse Duke would come up with somethin' to foil Boss' plan.)

The other Dukes laughed. "Look at it this way, Boss, if John McBain ever becomes King anywhere, you got rights to most of his kingdom," Bo Duke said.

"Sounds like y'all had some good, old fashioned fun," Daisy said.

"We learned a lot about freedom today," D.J. remarked, as they swapped stories of what they'd been doing.

"Yeah, same here," Cooter said. "Folks may not have had a lot of freedoms, but there was the start of it, anyway."

"It ain't freedom to just go an' do anything to anyone," Jesse Duke remarked, looking at Boss Hogg directly, "it's freedom to do what's right."

"What are you lookin' at me like that for?" Boss Hogg asked.

Jesse continued, "But, we got lots of freedom within them rules. And, it's freedom within them rules that folks like the Waldensians, like the ones that made that thar king sign the Magna Carta, an' lots of others stood for."

Joey agreed. "Whether it's freedom to worship, or freedom of movement, or just freedom to be silly, a lot of important stuff comes from these humble beginning." They all stood around, thinking patriotic thoughts, for a moment. Finally, Joey finished by saying, "And now, back to the silliness." With that, the time travelers wished, and went forward again.

(Yep, Joey's right. Back to the silliness. An', as we think about the signing of one of the many historic documents that celebrate the freedom to be this silly, thanks to all those who have fought – an' died – to give us that right.)

Chapter 9 – Oh Pun Country for Sale

(Our travelers had mostly been in Europe, except for a couple times in Asia; an' even that was close. But now, they came to North America, for good fun, and lots of puns.)

The time travelers appeared on a long beach, which seemed to stretch for miles. The width of the sand, from the gentle green slopes down to the water, was hundreds of feet.

"Wow! Can you believe this?!" Several Llanview people asked.

(Y'all ever wonder what the first explorers saw? Well, this is it. Y'all can see why some people thought it was Paradise. And, why some expected to find legendary things.)

"Are y'all sure we didn't go back instead of forward?" Daisy asked.

"Nah, look up there, there's some natives," Cooter noted as he pointed. "I bet we're in North America now."

Bo agreed. "We must look pretty funny to 'em.'

"Yeah. Hey, look at the ships!" Luke said as he pointed. "I wonder if this is Columbus."

"Don't you Dukes know nothin'," Rosco complained. "This is too tropical for Ohio."

"He means Christopher Columbus, not Columbus, Ohio," Boss Hogg complained. "But, since you think you're so bright, where do you think we are?"

Kimmy blurted, "I was thinking maybe Dallas."

(Y'all might think Kimmy said that 'cause she's dumb. Well, that's true, but, this was also just the start of somethin' big.)

"Kimmy, Dallas isn't near the ocean," D.J. explained politely. "Although, I'll admit, it looks like Another World."

"I'm just glad we can share Happy Days and Good Times during the Days Of Our Lives like this," Todd said to his daughter, Starr. "After all, we've only got One Life to Live."

"I know, Dad," Starr said. "Just think, the sun moves too, As The World Turns, so if it wasn't for some strange force we could be Lost In Space as we travel through time and wind up on a Star Trek instead. Do you think we could have been out in Deep Space."

"Nein," Todd said, speaking the German word for "no."

(Y'all caught one of the Star Treks, Deep Space Nine, right? Thought so. I wonder how many more will be hidden like that. If you're scorin' at home, that's 10 so far; 'cause, the original was just called "Star Trek" in its day. An', the one they just said, like Voyager, wasn't always talked about with "Star Trek" in front.)

"I'm sure that couldn't happen on our voyages through time. Oh, speaking of a Voyager, I Spy some people coming off the ship," Becky finished.

"Boat," Jesse K. corrected her.

Becky gently chided him, "They were called ships."

"Yeah, well, I happen to Love Boat, so I'm callin' it that. It's not big enough to be a ship; it's hardly big enough to fit a Full House in, or even a Little House on the Prairie."

"Look, what matters is that someone is coming off that thing Today to say Good Morning, America, an' I got me an idea to get a real Bonanza out of it," Boss Hogg said with a flourish.

Rosco was excited. "Ooooh, khee, khee, That's Incredible, Boss. So, when do I get my fifty percent of fifty percent? I mean, after all, I am your brother-in-law, so with our Family Ties it'll be All In The Family."

"Oh, will you stop blabberin' about it bein' a Family Affair. They say that Danny Tanner rambles, but you Babylon 5 times more than he does," Boss Hogg complained.

"Sheriff's right, Boss; fair's fair. After all, it's just like what the preacher said, after that food fight at Mr. Tyler Branson's wedding. Even if you wasn't kin, we're all part of Addam's Family," Enos noted.

(Wrong spelling, Enos. The Bible figure was Adam, with one 'd'. But, if y'all watch, wrong spelling's a clue for some puns. Like with "nein" for "Nine.")

Boss Hogg grumbled. "Oh, will you hush. I don't see no Gunsmoke, so it ain't like they can attack us. We just gotta sell these men on the idea of this here land havin' lots of gold, an' lots of girls. Remember that, Rosco – it's a land of Golden Girls." He turned to the youngsters. "When we figure out who it is, I want y'all to act like cheerleaders an' welcome them with some Cheers."

"Sure," Stephanie said. "I've played baseball, so I could even teach it to them. Dad can Coach the team. Although, I only throw knuckleballs. Dad says my arm is too little yet for curveballs or Sliders," Stephanie said.

(Interesting way of throwing "Golden Girls" in there. But, boy, the puns are getting' thick. They found they had a problem, though. These explorers never expected any natives to speak their language, but with the universal translator, our time travelers could.)

The head of the explorers looked around as Boss Hogg walked up to them and introduced himself. "If y'all wondered Who's The Boss, I am," Boss Hogg said pridefully.

The man looked at him in a very confused manner. "Your appearance leaves me terribly confused about What's Happening. How is it you speak my language?"

The smooth talking Boss Hogg had an answer all ready. "Well, it seems we come from the same place. That is, we got blown off course some 30 years ago."

"I see." He whistled. "You are all looking quite well, for being stranded so long ago. How was it that this happened? I am Juan Ponce De Leon, by the way."

(I wonder if this is where those stories about him findin' the Fountain of Youth start.)

As Boss Hogg thought about it, Danny said, "What he means is, we are from someplace far from here. But," he added, pointing to his girls, "These are All My Children."

Joey made a joke. "Well, we started out on a three hour tour to this place called Gilligan's Island …."

Boss Hogg jumped in. "Yeah, yeah, never mind about that. I am willin' to sell all these Green Acres to Spain, if The Price Is Right. So, Let's Make A Deal, an' I promise, it'll be the Sale Of The Century, an' you can Feather Your Nest right here."

(How many have even heard of that last game show? Or, even the next to last one. I wouldn't have known Feather Your Nest, 'cept I know someone whose great grandparents was on it.)

De Leon considered the offer, and looked at the beautiful area beyond them. "I believe I shall call the land 'Florida,' after the delightful flowers which are yonder. What do you call it?"

"Is a name like Boston Legal?" Kimmy asked. "Or maybe Chicago; Hope I'm close."

"I wish someone would call you a Taxi so you could leave," Danny told Kimmy.

Ponce De Leon scratched his head. "I am just curious, because I have been governor of Puerto Rico for a while, and yet I had never heard of a ship being blown off course. Then again, thirty years is before Columbus sailed."

"Yeah; good thing he did, too, or nobody ever would have known the world was round, right, Mr. De Leon?" Enos asked.

"That is the strangest thing I have ever heard," Ponce De Leon exclaimed. "It has always been common knowledge that the world was round, among those with any learning. The astrolabe, the compass, the way we navigate with the stars, everybody knows those things can only be used if the world is round, as was proven by Greeks almost two thousand years ago! I can't imagine anyone but the simplest peasants thinking the world was flat; it would be such A Different World if they did."

One of De Leon's crew members added, "Columbus' problem was, he thought the world was half the size that Greek mathematicians had thought. That's why he couldn't get funding for his voyages."

(I'm glad we got away from those puns to learn more history, 'cept for the one De Leon made. But, I got this funny feelin' we haven't heard the last of 'em.)

"Looks like the Cause A for them being lost is out the window," Cole said.

Marty, one of other the Llanview people, answered. "Yes, but leave it to Boss Hogg to quickly come up with The Cosby. Show me one time when he didn't."

(See what I mean? Cause B becomes Cosby. Put it with the start of the next sentence, an' you get The Cosby Show. Yep, some of these are real groaners. An' we're up to 42 TV show puns, if y'all are still scorin'. 'Course, it's easy to miss one when they're like that. Oh, an' the official scorekeeper says it don't matter if the word "the" is missing.)

"You'll have to excuse him, he hit his head real bad when we got blown off course by that terrible storm 30 years ago," Boss Hogg said.

"Right," Rosco said, "they thought we was lost as sea, cause we was caught in one of them big storms. You know, it looks like a big circle on radar, an' it spins around."

Boss Hogg whispered in Rosco's ear. "Rosco, you numbskull, will you ever Get Smart? He ain't gonna know that, that's what they look like in satellite photos in our day!" he lectured. Then, Boss Hogg turned back to De Leon. "You'll have to forgive him. He's so dumb, I wouldn't be surprised if he pointed at Michelle and said She's The Sheriff. I call him my most loyal man, but sometimes he causes nothing but trouble."

("She's The Sheriff" is a show I wonder if anyone's heard of, 'cept for a Muppet News flash in someone else's story where's there's TV puns, an' the author of that story happened to think of it for one sentence. I think it only lasted a season or two, an' was just on 'cause the actress was hot. In more ways than one.)

"Yes, I have heard tales of very problematic royalty back in Spain too. Some very troubling dukes; they are real Dukes Of Hazzard," De Leon said.

(I never thought they'd find a way to use that. Did you?)

Enos interrupted again. "Hey, Hazzard's where we're from, too. Y'all wanna hear some fun stories, wait till you hear about Mr. Tyler Branson's weddings. Now, someone else wants to marry him, an…"

Rosco spoke hastily. "Enos, you dipstick, I'm sure Mr. De Leon here don't wanna hear about whose gonna Mary Tyler Moore. Show Boss the money," he told DeLeon.

"Yes," Ponce De Leon said. He was confused – he'd said that the dukes he knew of had done hazardous things, but the one man had said they were from there. But, from where? "Tell me more about your…voyage."

Boss Hogg explained. "Well, we had a real Emergency, an' our ship got M*A*S*Hed up on some rocks. We were real scared, but as captain I followed a Guiding Light. I sent my number one team, The A-Team, out to explore, an' we made foundin' our own colony our Mission. Impossible, some said, but we took it One Day At A Time, an' while we had Growing Pains, lately we've been in 7th Heaven, cause it's as if our colony has been Touched By An Angel, an' I've founded my own Dynasty."

(Someone oughta arrest Boss for cruel and unusual pun-ishment. Yeah, I know, I'm sorry. But, I'm sure y'all was thinkin' the same thing.)

"Yeah, an' our boat's license number is 90210," Rosco interrupted. "An, let's see, what was the name of our boat?"

"Rosco, he don't care about no license number," Boss Hogg said. "They don't keep that good of a record in this time period." He turned back to De Leon, pointed to Starr, and said, "I know you probably gotta check back with Spain about it. But, we could work out a three-way deal. Three's Company, after all. You could eventually marry my daughter here, if arrangin' a wedding would help, 'cause I know sometimes Family Matters in agreements like this. I just have 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter."

Todd walked up to Boss Hogg and spoke angrily. "Leave my daughter Starr out of this! I'll have you know I'll fight you over anything you try to pull, and you'll even have a big fight on your hands if you try to Battlestar; Gatlactica would be a good name for a boat, by the way," he told Rosco.

(I got 61 so far. Is that what you got? Good thing they only use shows the author or his helper has heard of an' thinks of. If they just borrowed from a list on I'd really lose track. Anyway, while Boss Hogg and Todd were arguin', Ponce De Leon decided to talk to some of the others. He figured maybe they'd sound more sensible.)

"What is this? Where are you from? I still find this very strange, that your ship was apparently lost like this. And yet, there must be an explanation for why you speak our language," De Leon said to the Tanners.

"It's an unusual name. The spelling's weird, too. For instance, it's spelled WKRP In Cincinnati," Kimmy explained.

(Well, he thought they would sound more sensible. Only Kimmy would make that pun in 1513, though.)

Jesse K. flailed a hand. "Ah, that Boss Hogg's just actin' like that 'cause he wants to make a lot of money. Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" he asked out loud. "An' now he's got Todd mad at him, when in this position we should all be really cordial and help each other like a couple Honeymooners."

"Yeah; he's always really crabby when he doesn't get his way. Or when The Odd Couple, Boss and Rosco, get together," Luke said.

"Crabby is right," Bo said with a laugh. "If he was asked his favorite comic strip character, I'm sure he'd say I Love Lucy."

"Doesn't anyone notice something strange about all of this?" D.J. asked.

"What?" Kimmy asked. "All the folks we met so far are Real People."

"Although, from the way Boss Hogg and Todd are arguing, before we go further toward Home Improvement of our communication would be a good idea," Becky said.

Stephanie held out a hand. "She means the fact we're doing all these puns off of names of TV shows. I wonder if some wires got crossed when we wished last."

"I agree, there have been a lot; if we had a choice, I'd have said Eight Is Enough," Starr said. "Hopefully, we'll be Saved By The Bell before it gets too bad."

"Yeah, it's like we're trying to set a record for the most puns in 60 Minutes," D.J. added. She put a hand over her mouth. "Oops."

Stephanie comforted D.J., saying, "Don't worry, Deej, using 20/20 hindsight, it figures every one of us would use a pun at some point; I wonder how we stop doing this. Maybe if we all stop talking and make noises like animals instead."

Ponce De Leon interrupted by asking again, "Who was your Captain?"

"Kangaroo would be good, because we could hop, too, if I could come up with a noise for a kangaroo. I can only do a talking one," Joey said.

(They just did Captain Kangaroo with each of 'em sayin' one word! This is crazy. I think that makes 73, but my scorecard looks like some 2-year-old scribbled all over it.)

"Yeah, well, Leave it To Beaver to be the right animal," Jesse K. said. He rolled his eyes. "I don't believe this. It'd make more sense if we'd suddenly appeared on Mutual of Omaha's Wind Kingdom."

D.J. walked up to Boss Hogg and Todd. "Listen, will you stop for a second," she said. They quit arguing and listened. "We've been saying so many puns off of TV shows, something could really be wrong."

"She's right; people may start to throw things at their computers soon." Starr said.

"And, would someone please tell me what's going on, too," Ponce De Leon said. "What are all these puns you are making? What is TV?"

"Well, it's kind of hard to explain. We just said 75 different names of TV shows, for no apparent reason," Marcie explained.

Marty stammered as she tried to explain, when Boss Hogg interrupted. "Oh, hush. How do you expect me to make a deal with this man with you blabbering on like that?"

"I still don't understand," De Leon said. "What are all of these things? And, what was it someone said about wishing?"

"Muppets," Nicky said.

"Muppets," his two-year-old twin brother, Alex, repeated.

"Muppets? Boys, did you wish something about Muppets when we wished our way forward last time?" Becky asked.

"Look where they're pointing; it's Kermit the Frog! Hi, Kermit," Michelle shouted.

As the children waved, Kermit came out of a door on the boat that had appeared out of nowhere. It was just big enough for him. He grabbed cameras and pulled them back with him. "Oh, hi." Kermit looked around. "Funny stuff. I liked your act, with all those TV puns; even though I haven't heard of a lot of the shows since The Muppet Show ended in 1981. But, where are we?"

"We're time travelers, here at Ponce De Leon's landing in Florida. We started way back and we're wishing our way forward," Joey explained, as if it was as normal as could be.

"Oh." Kermit thought for a second. "I guess that explains that strange flash when Dr. Honeydew tested that transdimensional thing. Well, thanks for being on the Muppet Show. Good luck." He closed the door and left.

The others, especially Jesse K., looked in disbelief as Joey spoke. "They did have funny jokes on The Muppet Show. I don't remember them ever having that many puns; but I remember ones like Nero fiddles while George Burns," Joey said.

"What I can't believe is, you think that was normal," Jesse K. declared.

"You gotta admit, weird stuff has been normal these last few days," Jesse Duke replied.

"I bet Nicky and Alex wished we were on the Muppet Show," Danny said. "And, it happened to coincide with that Muppet Labs experiment."

"Well, I was kind of thinking about that, too," Joey confessed. "I mean, as long as we were going to different times, if it was possible, I thought maybe it would be nice."

"What's next, wishing we'd end up in Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood?" Jesse K. asked.

"I don't think that would be possible; remember, we are still in 1513 on our Earth, there was just a small door that opened that allowed the Muppet Show to come to us," one of the more intelligent Llanview people noted.

Ponce De Leon and his men walked away from the travelers, figuring the things they had seen were so crazy, they must be mirages.

Boss Hogg tried to run after them, but he wasn't in shape to run. He turned around. "You mean if it hadn't been for that wish, I might have been able to make a real deal with Ponce De Leon for all the gold in Spain's treasury?" Boss Hogg complained.

"We couldn't have taken it with us, J.D.," Jesse Duke said. "Would you have really wanted to stay back here?"

"I want to go where I can get me an even bigger empire than I got in Hazzard."

(Well, Boss Hogg once again lost his chance at a fortune. An', the kids got to see a little bit of bein' on the Muppet Show. As the time travelers wished themselves forward some more, I'm just glad those puns are over. Stuff that strange don't even happen in Hazzrard. Well, usually.)

Chapter 10 – Napoleon Is Dynamite, Part 1 of 2

(This time, our time travelers found themselves on another shore. They startled some soldiers as each group turned to look at the other.)

"Who are you?" one of the troops shouted.

"Aren't you supposed to say, 'Halt, who goes there?" Starr asked.

"That sounds rather cliché," the soldier said, looking puzzled. "How did you get here?" he asked.

"What's knowin' our birth stories have to do with anything?" Rosco asked.

"We learned about the redcoats in history," Michelle announced.

Danny put a hand on her shoulder. "Careful, sweetheart, we don't know when we are. We might be at war with them."

"Oh, yeah, that's right." Michelle corrected herself. "We're from the land where they ask, 'Are you going to finish that sandwich?'"

"It's not like we're time travelers or anything, we're just curious. Would you happen to know the year?" Kimmy asked.

Rosco was stunned. "Why would someone ask that if they weren't time travelers?"

"Actually, Sheriff, I don't mean no disrespect, but Kimmy's right," Enos said. "Rip Van Winkle didn't know what year it was when he woke up. An' then there's Sleeping Beauty, who musta stayed up real late the night before, 'casue she slept for about a hundred years."

Cole was shocked. "How late do you have to stay up to need to get 100 years of sleep?!"

"What kind of a strange question is that? It is January, 1821," the soldier announced.

"Oh, never mind these morons. We…" Boss Hogg had began to try to bargain with the British, but then he saw someone. He inhaled deeply. "Do you see what I see?"

Kimmy sang. "Said the night wind to the shepherd boy; 'Do you see what I see…'"

"We used that joke in Colenapped; good thing we're almost home, we're using old material," Todd said.

"Hey, it pays to recycle," Danny said.

"Yes, but when I started to sing doing that joke, my voice was pretty," Starr said. "Kimmy voice, let me see if I can put this nicely." She thought for a second. "Okay, I can't. Kimmy's voice stinks almost as bad as her feet."

"So, what did you see, Boss?" Rosco asked.

"I'll give you a hint; he's one of the world's greatest conquerors," Boss Hogg said.

Rosco rubbed his chin. "Hmmm, that's a toughie. Genghis Khan?"

"Rosco, that was 600 years earlier!" Boss Hogg shouted.

"Come on, Boss, you know I don't remember all that history," Rosco complained. "You asked me, and I think Genghis Khan."

Kimmy asked, "Shouldn't it be Genghis can? And, what do you think Genghis can do?"

"This man caused Europe even more trouble," the soldier said. "He was allowed to escape once, and almost started a new empire. So, he has been here for over five years."

"Atilla the Hun," Kimmy guessed.

The soldier stared at Kimmy. "I dare say, you are the most dim-witted individual I've ever met."

"Yeah, why would you want to tell a Hun anything?" Rosco asked.

The soldier stared at Rosco, then looked back at Kimmy. "My apologies; you are the second most dim-witted," he corrected himself.

Boss Hogg ranted, "He's right, Rosco; she wasn't saying 'I tell the Hun.' Anyway, that thar is Napoleon Bonaparte!" He smiled extra sweetly at the soldier. "An' for a price, we'd be more than happy to take him off your hands."

"What?! Boss, that's crazy," Bo declared.

"Yeah, think what it'll do to the time-space continuum," Luke said, as a British captain started walking toward them.

Boss Hogg gestured with his cigar. "That's the problem with you Duke Boys, you can't think fourth dimensionally." He turned to Rosco. "An' you can't even think one dimensionally." Boss turned back to the soldier. "He never got off this island anyway. An', I'm talkin' about takin' him with us to where we came from."

"Who are these people?" the captain asked.

The soldier explained. "They appeared here despite there being no boat. And, they claim to be from some place where they ask, 'Are you going to finish that sandwich?'"

"Someone has a sandwich? Cool, I'm getting kind of hungry," Kimmy interrupted.

The captain looked oddly at Kimmy. "He wasn't asking me…I don't have any…" He shook his head and asked all of them, "How did you get here? I have never seen any of you on this island before."

"We just got here," Marty said.

"But, there is no supply boat due for days. Where is this land where they ask, 'Are you going to finish that sandwich?'" the captain asked.

"Who has the sandwich?" Kimmy asked insistently.

Stepahnie gave Kimmy a look. "That's what we've been telling people this whole time. We're from where they ask 'Are you going to finish that sandwich?'"

This time it was Rosco who interrupted. "I don't need any, I just ate."

Napoleon walked up to them at that moment. Enos waved and said, "Hey, Mr. Napoleon, it's great to meet y'all. We learned a lot about you in history."

"You will refer to me as Emperor Napoleon," he said angrily. "It is my destiny to rule over all of Europe!"

"Did anyone ever tell you that you have a Napoleon complex?" Kimmy asked Napoleon.

"Kimmy," D.J. said gently, "this is Napoleon."

Kimmy's eyes grew wide. "Really, Deej? Wow, what a coincidence. Napoleon had a Napoleon complex."

(Now, while D.J. was tryin' to explain to Kimmy what that meant, and that it was named after Napoleon, Starr was usin' that cell phone Asa had been usin'.)

"Are y'all tryin' to see if it's even safe to take Napoleon?" Daisy asked.

Starr looked up. "No, actually, I was checking my e-mail."

The soldier looked at his captain. "People send each other the letter 'E' in the mail?"

"That is quite strange," the captain agreed. He turned to Starr. "What is that thing?"

"It's a cell phone. It's a little out of its range, but Asa's only getting charged a little over a million dollars per minute now," Starr explained. "I can't call anyone yet, but I can connect to the Internet."

"Hey, see how the Cubs are doing," P.J. told her.

"Oh, well, this gets 2009, so…there might be a slight problem if I tell you," Starr explained. "With the continuum, like Luke said."

Kimmy spoke up. "She's got a point. The Tudor Dynasty might even be over, and we wouldn't want these British guys to know that."

"There have not been any Tudors for centuries!" the captain exclaimed.

"Well, it figures all them palaces would have more than two doors, I don't see why you'd build any two door palaces," Rosco said.

The soldier asked Rosco and Kimmy, "Do the two of you compete to see who can be dumbest?"

(Don't worry; the puns won't come back in full force.)

"Does that thing see into the future?" Napoleon asked gruffly. "Let me see it." He grabbed it and started pressing buttons. Soon, he heard ringing.

"Uh, Napoleon?" Jesse Duke reached out to take the phone, but Napoleon turned away. "I don't think I'd do that if I was you."

"Hello? Who is this?" Napoleon listened to a person ask who he was, and they talked for a moment.

(In case y'all are wonderin', the guy on the other end took 3 years of French in high school. So, though the universal translator only works for our time travelers, he understands enough for this conversation.)

"I am Napoleon, Le Emperor of France!" He listened again. "No, it is not Napoleon Dynamite, it is Napoleon Bonaparte….No, not Blown Apart, Bonaparte!"

Marcie grabbed the phone. "Hi, sorry about that; who is this?" She listened. "Oh, he accidentally called Asa's wireless carrier, okay. Yeah, about Asa's bill of several billion dollars, where we are…uh, well, I'd be curious how that worked." She hung up.

"Now, they'll have to bill themselves another million bucks." Cooter said.

Napoleon shouted, "If that thing sees into the future, I demand to know my fate!"

"I wish to see it, too," the captain declared. "So I can see what foolishness this is."

The solider remarked, "Perhaps, as a hint of your truthfulness, you can tell us the next Prime Minister. If it is a name that makes sense, we will have further clue that you are being truthful."

Rosco asked, "How are we supposed to know the next Prome Minister. Why, we're not even caught up with them, we're only from 1985. We don't even got that technology."

"He means the next one from their time frame," Boss Hogg lectured.

"Well, it might not be a bad idea to show 'em who we are by lettin' 'em see about Napoleon. These soldiers here gotta decide if they want to know Britain's future, though," Jesse Duke said wisely. "'Cause, anything they know could alter it. An', that could accidentally make it worse for them, or even for the world."

The captain thought for a moment, then smiled. "That is a very wise statement, old man. I agree. We should not learn anything of the future for our country, or the world. To know you are referring to it is good enough, to know that it will still be there. Simply let us know of Napoleon's fate, presuming this foolishness is real, and we shall be satisfied."

Starr pulled up an encyclopedia, and showed it to the English captain. Kimmy was looking over his shoulder.

"What do these numbers do? Is this how you travel?" The captain asked.

"No, we can call other people, though. It's like a…let's see, you don't have telephones yet, right?" They hadn't heard of them. "Telegraphs?" They shook their heads.

"Smoke signals?" Kimmy guessed.

"You're thinking of Native Americans, I doubt they would know that," Todd said.

The captain spoke. "Actually, my father was in the American War for Independence, so I have heard of the concept of smoke signals sent by Indians."

"And, the smoke reached all the way from India to America? Wow," Kimmy said.

"I meant Indians from the American continent…never mind," the captain said.

"Yeah, that thing sees into the future, 'cause we're time travelers," Rosco said. "That's why my little fat buddy here wants to take him with us."

"Are you mad?" the solder asked. "He would be a constant annoyance."

Danny pointed at Kimmy. "I know the feeling, with Kimmy around."

Kimmy looked up. "Hey, I never tried to conquer Europe. Anyway, I wouldn't worry about Napoleon. As you can see, he's gonna croak soon," she said.

"What?! I demand that you take me with you so I can be cured!" Napoleon shouted.

"Kimmy," P.J. said, "didn't you hear? He said people shouldn't know the future."

Stephanie explained. "She's too dumb to realize that's in Napoleon's future here."

"Take me," Napoleon demanded again. "And, what do I die of?"

Starr explained. "Well, since Kimmy blurted it out, it says here stomach cancer is most likely, although there were rumors, because the symptoms was similar to a certain poison, that the British had poisoned you."

"So? I can be cured by your time, can I not?" Napoleon asked.

"Well, that depends." Boss Hogg looked at the information. "it says here you got about four months. Now, we gots a doctor who's pretty good, but it's probably pretty advanced, so you might hafta undergo surgery, or even pretty severe treatments. But, don't worry, we'll make sure you look plenty good for your TV appearances."

"TV? What is that?"

Bo told Napoleon, "It's how Boss Hogg here wants to take advantage of you, and use you to make money. Come on, Boss, you know this ain't right!"

"Oh, shut your mouths, you blasted Duke Boys are ruinin' everything. Now, let's get to wishin' so we can get home," Boss Hogg decalred.

Rosco spoke up. "Wait a minute, Boss, there's flaw in the slaw."

"A flaw…in the slaw," the solder asked the captain.

"They speak very strangely in that place where they ask, 'Are you going to finish that sandwich?'"

"Yes, I am going to finish it," the soldier answered.

"You see, Boss, we've never tried wishin' nobody but ourselves forward. And, what if someone else wishes he stayed here?" Rosco asked.

"Well, that's easy. We bribe the kids, who are the best wishers. For instance, that Michelle loves chocolate. I'm willin' to give her all your chocolate if she'll wish Napoleon forward, too," Boss Hogg said.

"Oh, well, that's fine…wait, all my…ijit, why not yours?" Rosco complained.

Boss Hogg threw up his hands. "Oh, all right, all right! Listen, here's what you do…"

The captain spoke worriedly. "What do we do?"

"Well, just…look…" Luke began.

"Wait a minute, if they get to go home, we should, too," Jesse K. complained.

P.J. announced, "I want to go with you."

"And stay where?" Danny asked with some insistence. "It sure won't be our house!"

"He could stay with me," Kimmy offered.

"I'm not that dumb," P.J. declared.

Kimmy shrugged. "It was worth a try. Some guys will do anything for love."

"Nobody in their right mind would stay with you," P.J. retorted.

Stephanie whistled. "Okay, everyone, we're wishing." And with that, the group went toward Hazzard.

The captain stayed behind with the other soldiers, and said, "What strange people. I do hope they understand what they're getting into." Both shook their heads.

(Oh, boy. Are the folks of Hazzard ever in for a shock. As for what happens, and whether P.J. ends up with the "Full House" group, stay tuned. Part 2 is comin' up.)

Chapter 11 – Napoleon Is Dynamite, Part 2 of 2

(Fans who watched the Dukes will recall 1985 is when the show ended. They got to Hazzard soon after the last episode that y'all saw. Napoleon came with them, an' he was stunned when he looked around. He was expectin' a really big city. Instead, it was a tiny community – the capital of Hazzard – in a rural area.)

"Like we was sayin'," Luke began, "we ain't all from this year. They're from what, 1994?" The "Full House" people nodded. "And, they're from 2009 in Llanview."

"Ain't y'all a little worried about this, Jesse?" Cooter asked.

"Yeah. But, give him a ride in the General; one jump over Hazzard Pond might scare him into goin' back," Jesse Duke said. He really disliked the way his nephews jumped that car, and how they drove super fast.

"Uncle Jesse, if I'm not mistaken, we'll have to go to 2009 to send him back. I don't know if them folks from 1994 would be willin' to go there," Bo remarked.

Danny agreed. "We'd like to go back to San Francisco. But, first, is that the Boar's Nest?" It was. "Let's have a bite to eat."

"Sure; it's all on the house," Boss Hogg said.

Napoleon asked, "Are we eating on the roof?"

"Nah, that just means I'm payin'. On account of you are our special guest."

"I am honored to be in your land. However, I wish to go to France, and regain my crown. When may I have this surgery?" Napoleon asked as they sat down to eat.

(Now, they'd made a special wish, too. They wished Napoleon would speak in English, though with a very heavy accent. Actually, he'd picked up some, what with bein' on the island with only British soldiers for years.)

Bo whispered to Luke. "What do we do?"

"I don't know. If people realize who that is, it could spell trouble for a lot of the world."

"You reckon maybe Doc Appleby can convince him he has to be laid up for a long time?" Bo wanted to know.

Luke shook his head. "Nah, I don't think. He figures that surgery's gonna cure him pretty fast. He probably figures it's even more advanced than it is." He snapped his fingers. "Wait a minute, that's it." He turned to Napoleon. "Hey, Emperor?"

"Yes, what is it?" Napoleon asked.

"You know, the technology for surgery really is better in 2009," Luke said.

Boss Hogg shushed him. "We just gotta get him to Doc Appleby's; he'll be able to take care of him. But first, I gotta get him on my television station."

Bo held out his hand. He'd figured what Luke was up to. "Are you gonna just let Boss Hogg use you like this? You're the great Napoleon, you should demand to go to 2009."

"I have a leader who will form an alliance with me. I have been told that there would not be one in 2009 Llanview," Napoleon explained.

"I'm sure you can find a ruler to help you in 2009. Right, Luke," Bo said.

Luke nodded. "That's right. All you have to do is latch onto that thar Llanview group, and they'll be more than happy to get you set up."

"If this happens," Kimmy asked, "does that mean Napoleon himself will become a character in their show?"

"Kimmy's got a point." Steaphnie was shocked. "Did I just say Kimmy had a point?"

(It's okay, Stephanie; it's been a weird week for all of us.)

"P.J., you said you knew about us; about our shows," Stephanie continued.

P.J. noted, "If I go back with you, that'll be a good thing."

"Won't your family miss you?" D.J. asked.

"I don't know," P.J. said. He really wasn't sure what to think about that.

Danny asked to see the cell phone. "How do you work this? Can you find episodes?"

Starr took it back and showed him. "See, where you get to season 8. I'm not telling you anything you probably haven't already guess – among other things, Stephanie's leadership in helping Gia hits a bit of a wall, and she's influenced by Gia. Not too much, though. It is something you might want to stop."

"Yeah. And, Mr. Tanner, never let Kimmy go with Michelle to buy anything," P.J. said. "I mean, buying a donkey is the dumbest thing."

"What do you mean? I think donkeys make great pets," Kimmy said.

"Okay, look, here's a 'Full House Chronology,' it'll help you see what happens in the TV Universe. Whether it changes or not, I don't know, but I think it's more likely P.J.'s appearance means an alternate universe is created. Like the Book Universe is different from yours," Starr finished. "I'll just e-mail the person and ask that it be sent to your e-mail…do you have e-mail?"

Danny stood. "No, but the station does…wait. This is just so confusing." He turned to P.J.. "If you came, your family would have to come, too; you're a bit younger than Stephanie, and I don't want any problems with the time space continuum." He grinned goofily. "I can't believe we're talking about that like it's normal."

(Believe me, Danny, I'm findin' it hard, too.)

"Well, how do we get them there? Can they use that continuum thing?" Rosco asked.

Boss Hogg was flustered. "Rosco, the continuum is the timeline, it's not a machine!" he fretted. "You wouldn't know a continuum if it bit ya."

"I didn't know the continuum could bite," Kimmy said.

(While they was all arguin', and Starr was gettin' the Chronology sent to Danny at the station, the Dukes had snuck out with Napoleon. They happened to have the General Lee with 'em.)

"Hey, Sheriff, Boss, the Dukes just took off with Napoleon!" Enos shouted.

"What? Rosco, Enos, after 'em! Arrest 'em for kidnapping Napoleon, or somethin'!" He threw up his hands and ran after them. "Hey, wait for me!"

"Let's wish ourselves to the time machine in 2009, and let them sort that out themselves," Becky suggested. The rest of the Full House else agreed.

(Now, y'all, the "Full House" group, with P.J., made it to 2009. They then brought P.J.'s family forward, with help of the scientist, an' went to 1994. Where P.J. an' that Chronology would help a lot of problems never happen for 'em in their season 'Course, D.J. still was only on the wait list at Stanford. An', she didn't meet up with Steve till that spring. Plus, Steph still showed P.J. some really embarrassing pictures of Michelle to get back at her once. But, there was no problems with Gia, an' Michelle's horse jumping contest even went well. She came in second, but, the kids was good sports. Meanwhile, while they was doin' that, the Dukes jumped over Hazzard Pond, with Rosco and Enos crashin' behind 'em. Like they must have done a hundred times before.)

Bo and Luke had just jumped Hazzard Pond, and then stopped when they landed. They, Daisy, Jesse, and Napoleon all looked behind them.

"Yeah, they're okay; nothin' hurt but their pride," Bo said.

Jesse Duke snickered. "J.D.'s got a lot of that."

"I never thought man could fly in more than a balloon," Napoleon said.

"Well, Hazzard's a pretty unique place," Bo said. He started driving toward the hospital. "Way I reckon, they'll be looking for us at the farm. What we gotta do is get you to Doc Appleby, and see how far along your cancer is."

Luke said, "To be honest, I don't know if it's treatable at this stage; if it's spread to other areas you don't have much chance."

"That's why we say, you'll be better off in 2009," Bo said.

Napoleon was frustrated. "You have flying machiens, yet you cannot cure me?"

(The argument continued for a while. Finally, they got to the hospital, where Ol' Doc was more than happy to look at him. Although, he wasn't believin' too easily.)

"Where did you boys find this one anyway? I have never seen a better likeness of Napoleon," the doctor said.

"That is because I am Napoleon! See, this is why that Mr. Hogg must help me, I need a leader who will believe me."

Doc Appleby guessed it might be one of Boss Hogg's tricks. "Well, boys, from the symptoms he tells me, and from checking him, I can say it might be stomach cancer. I'll need to do further testing to be sure. A hospital in Atlanta would be best."

"Can y'all do it kind of fast? We don't want Boss Hogg to…" Daisy began.

Jesse sighed as Boss Hogg's voice was heard. "All right, where is he?" Boss yelled.

The doctor held up a hand as Boss Hogg, Rosco, and Enos came in, still wet. "Before you say anything, this is a sick man."

"Yeah, we know; what can you do for him?" Boss Hogg asked.

"Atlanta would be…" the doctor began as Napoleon, now dressed again, came back into the waiting room. "Sir, I was just telling Mr. Hogg that your best bet is to go to Atlanta."

Napoleon shouted, "It must be done quickly, so I can achieve European domination!"

Now, it was Boss Hogg's turn to face Doc's question. "Where did you find this one?"

"Never mind; look, I called my TV station, they'll help you publicize your mission before y'all have to go to Atlanta," Boss Hogg insisted.

"Now wait just a minute," Bo argued. "This here's a very sick man, and you can't deny a patient the right to decide his treatment! If he don't wanna go on TV, he don't have to."

"That is right, "Napoleon shouted. "If this man cannot cure me with surgery, I wish to go to Atlanta! Wherever that is."

Doc Appleby held up a hand. "Look, I don't know where he came from…"

"St. Helena," Napoleon said simply.

"…but I believe a mental evaluation is also in order. I can tell when a man is acting, this man appears all too serious," the doctor finished.

"Look, we can help explain. Well, sorta," Luke hedged.

At that moment, the Llanview people entered. "We hitched a bunch of rides over," Marty told them.

"Will I get better treatment in 2009 than I would in Atlanta?" Napoleon asked them.

Bo told him, "That's what we've been tryin' to tell you."

"Then take me to 2009 now!"

Jesse asked, "Did the others leave?" The other Llanview people said they had. "Well, we might as well go along. Just to make sure J.D. ain't up to his usual tricks."

"What on earth is going on?" the doctor asked. "Who are all these other people?"

Cooter, who had drive a few of the Llanview people, said, "It's a pretty long story. An', a pretty weird one at that. Maybe we'll tell y'all someday; but, y'all might not believe it."

(With that, they went forward to 2009 Llanview. They learned the "Full House" people had just gone back to their own time.)

They appeared in the same place where the scientist had been demonstrating the time machine. "Okay, good. Listen, set this thing for when it got Napoleon," Luke said.

"What are you talking about?" Napoleon asked.

Boss Hogg interrupted. "Now, wait just a minute."

The scientist was confused. "Is this Napoleon? I did not invent this thing to change history."

"That's right," Boss Hogg said, "we can use him back in Hazzard, he don't need no treatment."

Rosco hummed. "You know, Boss, I was thinking, it really isn't right to deny him treatment, if he's sick."

The scientist asked again who it was. "Seems we got Napoleon around January of 1821."

"I demanded to come back so I might be cured." He walked into the machine, and began playing with the dials. "What is this?"

"Oooh, well, the numbers show the date you want it set at," Rosco explained.

"Rosco, don't touch that," Boss Hogg commanded.

"Oh, well, I was gonna show him how it has the dates where we've been here; see, this is where we got you in 1821. Khee, Ilove this." Rosco ignored Boss Hogg's hollering, and insteadkept showing Napoleon some of the buttons. Then, his elbow accidentally hit the button that sent Napoleon back to his own time. "And this is where...oooo, ijit, what was that big flash of light?" He looked around as boss Hogg looked ready to explode. "Where'd he go?"

"Rosco, you dimwit, you just sent him back to his own time!" Boss Hogg shouted.

Rosco was stunned. "You mean…ooo, ijit, why don't this thing have a warning label?"

"Because he probably never expected someone as dumb as you to show up," Boss Hogg complained. He kept hollering as the Dukes laughed.

(An' that, friends, is how the time travelers wound up puttin' everything back where it was. Napoleon was seen as just a little crazy 'cause of what he said happened. An', ol' Boss was so mad at Rosco, they all went back to Hazzard without him even rememberin' he wanted to frame the Dukes for marchin' through Georgia. The inventor decided it wouldn't do no good to let many people know about the time machine; he'd heard what harm almost came from having Boss Hogg an' Asa mess things up. An' the story of how Boss Hogg brought Napoleon there because a local joke – folks figured it was an imposter – but the Dukes was able to use it to inspire one of the local orphans to turn it into a cool science fiction story, which helped make 'em some money. So, even in all this craziness, the Dukes was able to make somethin' good come out of it. Which means, even with all the craziness, it was a pretty typical week for the folks in Hazzard.)


End file.
